Open letter to evangelical churches

In the course of several years writing this book we (the authors of the book) have been concerned that in some, and anecdotally many, evangelical churches in the UK, Australia and elsewhere there is an unhappy and disconcertingly large underclass of single people in their 20s to 30s. Also there are many young people who are inadequately guided through early relationships and for whom their sexuality is a burden more than a joy. This has come to include those who have been drawn into pornography, developing some level of addiction to it. From our pastoral experience we believe that a major contributor to this situation is the teaching, or more often lack of it, on God's creation of us as sexual persons and how this should suitably play out in relationships before marriage. While other factors bear on this question, such as different numbers of men and women in many churches, this open letter comments on the situation as we have encountered it and ventures some suggestions.

We continue to see the first problem manifest in two related respects: the expectation that an invitation to any 1:1 occasion is tantamount to a suggestion to 'go steady' (having ticked a lot of boxes), and second that any going steady (exclusive) relationship which breaks up is seen and felt as a failure, rather than a success (enabling both to move on to more suitable matches, drawing upon the wisdom and self-knowledge gained). The first creates great apprehension on both sides and a measure of social paralysis, the second in stigmatising those who break up is possibly one reason that Christian marriages fail as often as others (statistically) - the feasibility study of courtship does not allow a thumbs down without stigma and real loss of face in this Christian community.

In a church context with captive audience who are known to be interested (to say the least) it should be possible to define some issues, without actually making rules (in unhelpful ways that some evangelicals are prone to!).

A stark contrast
A good starting point is to acknowledge the contrast between the young unmarried people in the church community and the world around. This has grown conspicuously wider over the last few decades - since the time when many older church leaders were growing up and establishing their own life partnerships in marriage.

For very many teenagers today the main initiation or rite of passage from childhood into adolescence is their first sexual intercourse. This is seen by them as confirmation of their biological and social maturity, providing a sense of identity with a taste of intimacy at one level. Genital sexual activity is an integral part of adolescence for many, and this easily and naturally carries through to the 20s. However, conscientious Christians will draw upon an understanding of sex which gives it a very special place in a lifelong partnership and hence which places heavy restraints on their participation or indulgence in this premaritally. As a result they may feel deprived and be seen by non-Christian peers as wimps or losers, or even inviting questions abut their sexuality.

The church sometimes implicitly reinforces this negative perception with its teaching and yet does not reliably supply alternative - let alone more meaningful - rites of passage or group identification. Confirmation following infant baptism hardly compares - socially, emotionally or memorably! Nor generally does mature age baptism. This is a challenge to which your authors have no comprehensive answer, but acknowledge as a major factor framing the issues we discuss.

Church teaching on sexual relationships often assumes that those to whom it is addressed have grown up in full knowledge, if not full adherence to, Christian constraints on sexual expression outside marriage. But we must consider that it is the norm for those coming to faith post teenage to be very sexually experienced and without any sense of wrong in that. Hence it's important that they be greeted by the church with something more positive than accusatory finger wagging and authoritarian bible verses about casual sex (which are largely irrelevant anyway, if they are applied to a steady faithful relationship). The need is to commend and persuade of a better way of understanding and practicing sex.

Our book is written so as to expound the good sense in behaviour that is in tune with the way we are made, in God's image, and as sexual beings. The argument is mainly from that base, not a succession of texts. It does not attempt to canvass all that the Bible might say on the issues covered (though there are plenty of relevant references). It does aim to be obviously faithful to biblical teaching and principles.

We consider that a high quality of Christian fellowship with wholesome social interaction is the principal real alternative to sexually-active uncommitted relationships, and the most basic one (which is why we devote the first chapter of the book to that). Something based here and which comes close to a general rite of passage in evangelical churches is commissioning and mentoring in youth leadership. This can signify a spiritual adulthood in taking responsibility for younger people, with opportunity for practical expression of love in service. But if not all are invited or conscripted to this, it is only a partial answer.

Regarding the progression of romantic relationships, in any church, we need a shared understanding of what is normal by way of dating, courtship, etc. It cannot just be a shared reaction against what is normal elsewhere in society. We need to define an envelope of "normal" behaviour and interaction, with anecdotes of all that is outside it.

Any church that expects its young unmarried young members to be chaste and stay out of bed with one another and also to avoid the allure of porn, but doesn't properly address masturbation as lust control and sexual management is really short-changing its young flock. Too often the activity is simplistically conflated with lust. Churches sometimes find it easier to give young people guilt trips about masturbation than to focus on lust, in line with the Bible and common sense.

Young Christians are possibly more vulnerable to porn that their peers, due to the curiosity factor which is not assuaged in the normal course of life. With ease of access to the internet this can easily lead to powerful attraction and escalating consequences.

Compared with the condom culture of today, Christians do relationships the other way round, working towards a sexual consummation some distance away rather than treating sex as a sort of qualifying round or entrée in a relationship. The hedonistic enjoyment of sex has probably not changed for thousands of years, unless constrained by social or religious taboos.

Summary and perspective on sex
One of the most exciting things about how we are made is our sexuality, adding a dimension to some relationships which stimulates our whole being. This is fraught with potential for the richest experiences of our lives, or the most debilitating ones. Christians should be more positive and joyful than anyone about sex, after all they claim to know the One who invented it! However, it also follows that they will have more concern than most about the designer's views on its proper enjoyment, as distinct from the many other ways it is approached and even idolised in a fallen world. It is clear that God designed sex for relationships, not just recreation. It is equally clear that many of those who reject God, or at least discipleship, do so because of a contrasting approach to sex. For the Christian, sexuality is part of spirituality, not separate, let alone opposed to it as in some traditions.

It is in relation to sex that the Christian understanding of humans being made in God's image, and the behaviour appropriate to this understanding, departs markedly from our cultural norm, which even at its best is tainted by the Fall. Sex is an important area where one's natural inclinations may be socially acceptable but neither express kingdom values nor witness to anticipating God's renewal of creation.

Humans are created in God's image in bodies which are biologically part of the animal kingdom. This raises some issues in relation to sex.

Sex is a good and necessary biological activity throughout the animal kingdom, which is part of God's good creation. But humans in God's image are designed to enjoy sex as a one-flesh, exclusive lifelong union of two complementary people. The potential for being able to do this is eroded by behaving simply or largely at the animal level sexually, with relatively little restraint on its enjoyment before entering a committed lifelong relationship. That unrestrained enjoyment can still be a good thing according to social mores, but often isn't, and it is better for all - and appropriate especially for Christians - to hold off until the commitment of marriage. As well as conforming to the one-flesh unique relationship set forth in Genesis 2, this in fact expresses the relationship between Christ and his church described in Ephesians 5. Some see the analogy extending to the ecstasy of sex being a foretaste of that when we are fully united with Christ. Certainly marriage is the nearest human equivalent of the relation among the persons of the Trinity.

A problem and challenge is that whereas in the animal kingdom there is no significant delay between puberty and full-on sexual activity, for humans there is often a relatively long delay, perhaps a couple of decades, before the permanent marriage bond. For most people this is filled to some extent with sexual activity ranging from casual sex to faithful long-term relationships, even cohabitation (which raises the question of when one calls it "marriage"). But for anyone with a high view of human marriage as designed by God, this erodes the role of sex within marriage and devalues the currency. Coital sex ceases to be special and unique within that marital relationship.

This biologically anomalous long period leading to marriage is appropriately filled with social engagement, often charged by our sexual inclinations, and which leads towards selection of a life partner. In human society and personal social development as humans it is an important and enjoyable phase of life. But restraining the sexual urges for many years is for many a great challenge! It can feel like a curse arising from the very powerful goodness of our created sexuality which our culture constantly reminds us of! An obvious provision here is masturbation, and Christians more than most should have a positive view of the need for freedom in this, whether they personally enjoy it within the important constraints of self-control and minimising lust, or whether they find it more helpful for those reasons to abstain. Solo masturbation is simply an activity at the biological level, it is not sex - which is fundamentally relational. But that doesn't make it bad or wrong, any more than all the other animal functions and activities at that level (eating, sleeping, exercising, etc). Our associated thoughts of course may be sinful, and that issue needs to be addressed, along with cultural prejudices - see section 2.2 and chapter 4.

Sex within marriage is such an important part of our human nature created in God's image that we need to direct our behaviour so as to give full expression to it in due course, and resist the strong inclination to indulge it at a largely animal level, though even that may express much of the goodness of God's creation at the biological level. Better to be fully human as designed! This distinction is so basic for Christians that we need to have more than just a few rules to steer through the promiscuous cultural context today.

Attitudes to sexual experience
Our focus is on unmarried Christians in their late teens and 20s. Any such person will properly have hormone-enhanced relationships as a major interest or even preoccupation, and this will likely have been their experience since puberty. The challenge in the church is to affirm this sexual dimension of relationships while encouraging self-control, rather than communicating negative attitudes to sex.

In response to the worldly approach which cheapens sex by hedonism and selfishness, the church has often managed to turn something which is positive, good, wonderful and emotionally and socially fulfilling into a threat or even an object of dread for some of its unmarried members. For many, their sexuality has become more fraught than fun.

If a young Christian finds that their church context is petty and strictured rather than providing wholesome fellowship and credible teaching and encouragement in this area, then they may go in any of three unhelpful directions: the first is to suppress their sexuality, the second is to become absorbed and stimulated by porn, the third is to follow their natural inclinations in getting laid without much restraint rather than trying to remain in line with God's purposes, so that they are then likely to stay outside the church. All three are tragic.

One effect of this wide difference between many older adolescents inside and outside the church is that for any Christian who is meaningfully connected to his or her peers, there is tremendous pressure to compromise. They see sexual enjoyment mostly without any immediate downside. Another effect is that we must assume that any adolescent or young adult converted to Christ is likely to be sexually experienced or degraded by porn. Both these considerations need to affect what we teach and how.

On the compromise aspect, a survey commissioned by the Evangelical Alliance and reported by the Christian Medical Fellowship in July 2001 found that a third of young evangelical Christians believed in living together with a partner before marriage. This evidently shocked church leaders, who expected fewer than 10 per cent to support cohabitation. In total, 33 per cent of Christians aged 18 to 35 supported living together, compared with 82 per cent of non-Christians.

Arguably the church needs to be very much more positive about faithful premarital sexual relationships which lead to marriage, as distinct from its attitude to promiscuous casual sex. If it is seen to conflate the two its credibility is compromised. Cohabitation is widespread, and while there is a strong case to be made (as in Chapter 2) that this is much less than ideal, neither it nor other exclusive sexual relationships are wholly negative if they are embarked upon thoughtfully and possibly with a view to likely marriage commitment a year or two further down the track.

Cohabitation needs to be seen as de facto marriage, and to be taken as leading to the celebration and confirmation of commitment which marriage is. The church needs to encourage the couple to ground their loving in a commitment which is not merely a contract, but which is supported by wider community in everyday life and which acknowledges the transcendent dimension built into God's design for the one-flesh union. At the same time there needs to be pastoral recognition that there is some tentativeness involved, and hence the prime exhortation may need to be to "make up your minds", and allow for the possibility that the partners will go their separate ways.

Church communication on sexual relationships
(Here and in the book we use the term to mean relationships which are enhanced and energised by a person's sexuality. We do not imply intercourse.)
While it is not too hard to give advice to individuals in this context, the challenge of crafting teaching within the church which is both biblical and wise, not to mention persuasive, is far greater. It is hardly surprising then that your authors have encountered much evidence of deficiency or failure in compiling the book over several years.

Our focus has been on people in their late teens and 20s, after attitudinal and related problems have sometimes become chronic at a social level. While no church teaching on any subject can be expected to achieve full effect on all hearers, it seems that in this area there are some failures arising from a variety of identifiable causes, which we note below.

The following are some of the messages which we have found coming across to young unmarried people from their churches, whether intended or not:

We do not suggest that these are all totally wrong - each makes some sense in certain circumstances or to some degree - but there is a lot of nonsense here and widely perceived they tragically seem to cripple many young Christians emotionally and socially.¹ Some of the unhelpful nonsense arises from some American books which are promoted informally or by youth workers in place of sound teaching. (We recommend three or four rather good books on the subject, which happen to be American!)

Regarding the curiosity about sex, there needs to be open and frank teaching which removes at least part of the attraction of pornography. Porn has become a major issue, especially for young males in the church, and it requires an intelligent response from and in the church.

Our broader concern is twofold: the disincentive for too many young Christians to engage in romantic relationships, and the disincentive to be thorough in the romantic feasibility study leading to engagement (with the strong possibility of breaking off). The fact that in any situation many rise above the problems and find their way into happy marriages can obscure the dilemma of those who don't. The church need to make explicit those social expectations which promote healthy and gently progressive romantic engagements without unreal expectations or anxiety.

So, we suggest the following ten points as being a high priority to communicate among younger adult members of any church:
1. Expect to have (ie. in your thinking allow for the strong possibility that you will have) some 3 or 4 significant faithful romantic relationships before you find, and are confident in deciding upon, your life partner.
2. As well as socialising as much as possible in mixed groups, seek 1:1 opportunities with attractive members of the opposite sex simply to get to know them a bit better, and without either party having any expectation of it turning into a relationship (hopes are OK, not expectations!). Avoid trying to tick a lot of boxes at this stage.
3. Relax and enjoy these evenings or days simply for their own sake, while keeping under control within boundaries. To a degree you make such a relationship as you enjoy it - it's not just a matter of matching up characteristics.
4. Boundaries on physical intimacy need to be established by each person, and when in relationship, by each couple, but default is the waistline. At the same time, don't over-react to the norms of non-Christian peers. Sex is not dirty or merely sensual, but enjoying/ indulging prematurely is unwise, wrong, and often fraught. (cf ch 2 of book)
5. If you and your friend get keen on one another feel free to make it openly an exclusive faithful relationship, without commitment.
6 As this proceeds, make a rational evaluation of your prospects together long-term - in effect, a feasibility study. Socialise as 'an item'.
7. If, after a while, you decide that your future long-term is not together, break it off. You and your friends should see this as a positive step, not a failure. Move on.
8. Overall see the whole process as a progressive relaxed continuum from nothing to engagement, not as very few big and daunting steps.
9. Beware of reading too much into any conversation or invitation!
10. Relax and pray!
These all arise from chapter 3 of the book.

The following attempts to summarise the main points we aim to make in the book on these, and which are relevant to church leadership. In some cases much of the point of our writing is in the nuances and qualifications, which may be evident in the extensive footnotes consisting largely of relevant extracts from the book. (However, the footnotes total 1800 words, the first half of the book dealing with all this is over 40,000 words.)

The basic perspective
Human sexuality is wonderful and needs to be affirmed and enjoyed to a very full extent by unmarried young people. This requires a good deal of self-control for Christians, who should delay its consummation until marriage, and operate within limits meanwhile in order to fully enjoy God's design within marraige later on.

A sexual aspect of enjoying others' company is proper, including arousal and excitement, even though it cannot be given free rein.² It's bizarre that Christians should sometimes be accused of being negative about sex (as distinct from particular about its proper context).

As already noted, for many teenagers, experiencing sexual intercourse is an integral part of adolescence, whereas for Christians it actually belongs as part of adulthood, along with responsibility for another person in marriage. That is a very basic difference, with our concept of sexual union being outside of the range of adolescent sex - from recreational to provisionally committed. This means that when we are talking about sex with young people we and they may really be talking about quite different things. In the eyes of the hedonistic young person, single Christians (especially in adolescence) will inevitably be seen as having a deprived and impoverished life. But in fact the social acceptance of adolescent sexual experimentation cuts right across the development which that stage of life is all about - adolescent brains are a work in progress, with great flux of values and of ability to make considered judgments.

The primary need is to establish what are appropriate limits to thought, in the sense of mental preoccupation. This is perhaps the greatest challenge for the individual and is not helpfully done in much Christian literature on relationships. We have approached this by attempting to define lust, making it clear that it is a pattern of thought which is illegitimate or at least very unhelpful for Christians.³ It does not include all sexually motivated thought, nor simply arousal. We recognize the real difficulty in any such definition, however.

We distinguish four broad categories of relationship involving sexual intercourse prior to marriage:

We note that the first - casual sex - is clearly contrary to any notion of its role that is arguable in Christian circles. It degrades the notion of enduring and ennobling union and there is plenty of biblical material to counter it. The second is in practice no different. The third, in a faithful relationship, is harder to relate unambiguously to biblical injunctions, since the intention is not transience and nor is it any more self-indulgent than possible within marriage. We comment on the biblical pointers at some length. The last, cohabitation, is arguably what marriage actually means and therefore we maintain that the commitment should be formal and permanent, not a test drive with an escape clause.

Early marriage is not necessarily or generally an appropriate answer to the challenge of managing our sexuality into the 20s. In the context of Paul's advice to the Corinthians for those bursting with sexual energy, hungering for intimacy of that kind and having a plausible partner, it may make sense. But it needs to be balanced sensibly with the person's social and vocational level of maturity, and Paul's exhortation to the Thessalonians that each should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable - while allowing all the other attributes which contribute to a successful marriage to develop.

So how does a young Christian actually manage and enjoy his or her sexuality pending that marital consummation? Or for some, longer term? The control and management of sexuality needs to be taught much more fully than it commonly is, and not simply as a set of rules. As one 23 year old guy put it: "remember it's not just about 'keeping your virginity' but about the place of all sexual expression, penetrative or not. Unless the special nature and uniqueness of all sexual expression is emphasised, young people simply won't see the point of resisting. Each Christian group or church must be active in encouraging, expounding and reaffirming these values of restraint and expectation of later fulfillment amongst its members, since they will receive precious little assistance outside it." And to what extent is masturbation appropriate or is that in fact a deficiency in self-control? Even without porn indulgence, this is inevitably a bigger issue for young Christians than for others and is addressed later.

Effectively denying one's sexuality and repressing every sexual thought is not a proper or wholesome way forward. There is a spectrum between repression of sexually-charged thought and mental indulgence of lust, and each person needs to work out where he or she should aim to be around the middle of it in the light of their own nature and conditioning. It is right and proper for our sexuality to be a significant feature of many kinds of relationships and bottling it up for years is not a healthy prelude to marriage. Romantic interest in the opposite sex then becomes intimidating because of a false notion of sexual purity. Self-control is not the same as repression.

Christians do need to keep very much in mind that sex as given by a loving and bountiful Creator has both bringing-together and procreative aspects. A proper Christian view acknowledges both equally, even if procreation is deliberately delayed for some time after marriage, and then controlled. Sex is also sacramental.

Control and management of sexuality needs to be taught well in the churches so that sexually charged relationships may be enjoyed appropriately.

Encouraging sound personal standards
We acknowledge that many evangelical churches are not simply grappling with the negative vibes about sex as mentioned above, but also have a significant incidence of routine premarital sex and occasional pregnancies. We assume that the main reason for the first is deliberate sin and for the second is getting carried away without being prepared for it. However, we wonder whether there might not also be other reasons connected with inadequate teaching and modelling of wholesome sexual relationships.

Young people need help to define their boundaries while being socially active. They need to be aware of the likely consequences of not doing so (beyond the obvious) and of the opposite - being so "safe" that they avoid any sexually stimulating encounter.

Specific boundaries of physical behaviour are not appropriate to be laid down as law by a church or its elders or youth ministers, to be taught as applying across the board. Advice and guidance on boundaries needs to be related to the individual or sub group. The only clear boundary with scriptural authority is: no sexual intercourse outside of a marriage relationship.

Talking about boundaries applicable to private time together must not detract from the emphasis that durable relationships are best built with a major ingredient of public socialising and also shared ministry.⁴

Teaching and modelling social relationships
There needs to be a relaxed, open and progressive continuum of relationships in a church community all the way through to marriage. This requires a good deal of trust from church leadership and common sense. The model we often encounter is deficient in the early stages, creating a significant psychological hurdle to get into the system. It goes from almost nothing to something which can be akin to engagement in one leap.

At a social level, this awkward way male-female relationships are done is the biggest problem we see in churches, and we each have had numerous conversations arising from it or touching on it. It is a problem which desperately needs tackling, first by adequate and sound teaching as alluded to above, and secondly by very specifically encouraging a full range of social interaction of the kind we describe, and which in many ways is simply common sense. Younger people need to be able to see progression in this being worked out in the church community as a relaxed, exciting set of interactions which involve almost everybody at some level or other and issue in long-term relationships after earlier stages of flux. Also there must be no stigma attached to breaking off a romantic relationship. ⁵

The church situation often seems to be an overreaction to the secular norms of casual sex and of couples sleeping together because this is seen as basic for a relationship to be at all serious. However, there is plenty of scope for taking a firm line on promiscuity without clamping down unduly on sexually-charged interactions.

There is a school of thought that says one should not "date" or spend time socially with members of the opposite sex unless one is seriously and currently intent on finding a partner for marriage. That can be extreme and inappropriate we suggest. Prima facie we are all - in those early years - on a trajectory towards marriage, and the more socialising we do with a little bit of hormonal charge the more we will be able to know ourselves, understand others and gain a greater maturity in sexual relationships. This then puts us into a much better position to look around intelligently and make a more sensible choice of life partner when we are ready to do so. So the main thing early on in a relationship is for individuals simply to relax and enjoy one another over weeks and months while they check out and reflect upon the longer term possibilities.

It is just not good enough for the church to react to the promiscuity of many outside it by discouraging or even clamping down on social engagement with the opposite sex. There is a great need for each of us to learn to manage our sexuality without yielding to every urge but at the same time enjoying the special excitement it brings to relationships. Especially for those embarking upon adult life without having grown up with opposite-sex siblings of similar age, the church family has great potential to nurture this maturing. It needs to do so without people feeling that it's improper to enjoy one another unless the contact or date is part of a earnest game plan angled towards marriage as soon as possible. We need to encourage young adults and youth to lighten up and enjoy singleness!

We assert that the sexual buzz that one gets from encountering an attractive person is meant to drive us into social engagement with such persons. That engagement, starting along the continuum we have sketched, is appropriate, enjoyable and an essential part of growing each person's self-control, social skills and basis of understanding which eventually equips individuals to decide upon suitable life partner. The sexual charge which drives it is God-given for precisely that purpose. Invoking Jesus' words about adultery in the mind just because a guy gets hot and hard in the process is ridiculous. Of course there are levels of indulgence in mental fantasy which should be firmly restrained, but not to the extent of avoiding such stimulation altogether. There is a wide area of wholesome social engagement with the opposite sex which is driven by the excitement of one's sexuality at a level between repressed self-neutering and unconstrained lustful fantasy (or more than that). We suggest that too many in the church react against the possibility of lust by effectively promoting the self-neutering and thus severely limiting the potential for healthy relationships to develop.

Consequently there arises a disconcerting social problem where some young people find that embarking upon romantic relationships with other Christians is daunting because of the entrenched hang-ups which arise from inadequate or simply weird teaching. Instead of relaxed interaction with clear acknowledgment of boundaries, there is awkwardness and uncertainty arising from particular teaching which puts a negative gloss on much of what we would consider healthy and normal in romantic relationships for Christians. This provides a strong incentive for romantic relationships to be pursued outside the church community.

There is a common situation where girls especially feel that their main romantic opportunities have passed so they fill (or pretend to fill) their diaries with all sorts of busy stuff, much of it social in some sense, but not retaining a clear sense of priority to allow for meaningful opportunities to interact with the opposite sex - occasions for potential romance. This may express a sense of denial or even be displacement activity, but at the level of our practical account it is plain silly.

A major practical help in discipleship, and particularly in the area of sexual relationships, is same-sex accountability partnerships.⁶

Lust, masturbation and pornography

Lust is ubiquitous as the primary fallen expression of sexuality, masturbation is a secondary issue, but today pornography has become a major problem andchannel of lust, polluting the minds of many people, including many Christians.

We don't think it is at all appropriate for the church to take a strong line on masturbation, given that it is not mentioned in the bible. However, lust is clearly mentioned, particularly sexual lust, and dealing with that is a very proper focus in ministry, especially youth ministry. Masturbation is relevant, since it may be an indulgence of lust or a short-circuiting of it. It may also be a prophylactic for some. Self-control is a fruit of the spirit, and that may also bear on the issue of masturbation.

It seems that the question of masturbation is generally not dealt with in the church at all well. This makes it all the more of a distraction to many young people, even into their 20s. In the book we try and put a little distance between it and sexual relationships, by dealing with it in The Body chapter. But today the issue of internet pornography obtrudes on what used to be more straightforward, introducing varying degrees of addiction to visual representation of distorted sex, requiring moral blindness and giving rise to a huge challenge which is so far inadequately recognised, let alone addressed, in many churches. The matter is discussed in section 2.5.

From the point of view of ministry to youth and young adults, it cannot be assumed that any individual is unaffected by porn, and free of attraction to it. Therefore the question should be raised in any teaching, and individuals should be gently challenged on it. Attraction to porn is not confined to males, and by some reports is becoming nearly as prevalent among young females, with even greater burdens of guilt and shame.

It may be useful to sketch some adolescent profiles of guys relevant to lust, masturbation and pornography, in order to focus on how to address the porn issue with different young people concerned:

The challenge arising from 2 or 3 is the same, primarily countering porn attraction or addiction after abandoning secrecy and seeking the help of friends. Mixed socialising with plenty of hormonal stimulus from that coupled with pleasant social interaction is also very helpful. Masturbation probably should be off the agenda as far as possible for some time. Recovery from 3 is easier than from 2, but with confronting the problem and using accountability software the road back may not be too long. (The seriousness of addiction in either case can be measured by the number of years before taking strong action, the length of porn sessions, and their frequency.) After recovery the profile may look like 1.

The implications for the church youth ministry of 1, 3 and 5 are obvious, in the need to focus on lust, not masturbation. However, selling that message needs to be with the understanding that some kids will be embroiled in 2, and that 4 is possible (but unrealistic to assume that it is appropriate or sensible for all). Within youth fellowship or CU structures, accountability software should possibly be the norm, and accountability partnerships of some kind absolutely vital. But any heavy church or parental opprobrium or stigmatizing of masturbation is then likely to increase the chances of porn being attractive, and the likelihood of it becoming a personal problem.

Routine teenage masturbation among Christians seems to be a partial antidote to later porn attraction, diminishing the appeal as outworking of lust > porn > unhealthy addictive masturbation with the mental pathways fully aligned to unreal images. That teenage activity with some attention to tackling lust can then acquire more self-control and become a healthy masturbation routine or be superseded by late teen abstinence. But where porn becomes a significant attraction before puberty, there are no established escape routes for lust and the whole porn-masturbation maelstrom ensues, requiring a great deal of effort to break free.

If during adolescence there is a sense of freedom re masturbation, rather than simply shame and guilt, then there is a very much better change of avoiding being drawn into porn addiction. Where masturbation is not a usual option and importantly where there is not a sense of freedom to resort to this to divert lust (as in profile 3 above), then if a guy is going to yield to lust, there is a sense that he might as well do it properly, with a bit of adrenaline maybe and the prospect of a fulfilling visual feast capped off by a climactic thrill. As Martin Luther said: if you are going to "be a sinner [then] sin boldly," or "let your sins be strong". Church teaching needs to focus on lust and self-control, not masturbation, allowing it to be expressed and experienced in a variety of ways from simple self-pleasuring to short-circuiting lust.

As discussed in chapter 2, Christians more than anyone should appreciate and enjoy their sexuality. Premarital sexual experience for Christians should include enjoyment of the hormonal buzz socially, of arousal, and the freedom to masturbate - or not, according to what is personally most helpful in minimising lust. Youth ministry should encourage a freedom to masturbate without any sense of shame and guilt, while expounding the difference between good sexuality as created by God and lust which is the primary fallen expression of it. Masturbation itself is discussed more fully in 4.3.

In general the church should probably address the dangers and consequences of alcohol excess, drugs, nicotine, gambling and pornography all together, as a set of different lifestyle hazards which need to be well understood - three chemically-initiated, two behavioural. Probably only porn is a live issue for most, but it may be helpful to put it in the context of other potential addictions which are better recognised, so that "don't go there" can be understood to apply equally strongly to all. Furthermore, in the light of evidence that porn access often starts at about the age of 11, these questions need to be addressed early.

Although we have some minor reservations, the web site Teenage Boys Under Attack is very valuable and we would like to see it recommended to every boy in every church youth group.

The Bible's teaching on self-control and what we allow to fill our minds and hearts is central to how we understand these matters.⁷ Pornography should be rigorously avoided.

We suggest that pastorally the church needs to avoid taking an unduly strong stand on any aspects of Christian behaviour that are not hugely significant, and pushing standards that do not allow for the full spectrum of young people, from the inert to the passionate high-hormone types. Church teaching which stigmatizes masturbation is likely to be profoundly unhelpful in encouraging a wholesome understanding of sexuality.

Making a big deal of masturbation, along with the other secondary matters mentioned, may mean that the church is self-selecting for wimps, or simply low-testosterone types - a rather serious form of self-abuse at the corporate level, and arguably enough of a problem already.

Conclusion
We have been encouraged to put forward these thoughts which arise from writing the first half of the book. We do so from the privileged position of detached critics, not having any responsibility to actually deal with all this in a real live church with a wide variety of people, personal issues and prejudices! Writing a book is relatively easy compared with that.

However, we hope and pray that the above points will provide a helpful alert on what we see as a social and sometimes spiritual tragedy within otherwise admirable evangelical churches, and also a stimulus to grapple with these issues better. We exhort church leadership to be bold rather than reticent in approaching the question, and the advent of easy free porn means that it must be tackled early in teenage years, with reinforcement of the social modeling of course continuing into the 20s.

We also hope that the book itself might be a useful resource in assisting this process. In due course, it may be in print. We invite comment via the feedback provision.

In mid 2009 we added discussion questions to each section, so that the book may be used as a resource in mentoring, with an agenda to some extent formed by the mentoree selecting sections to cover and discuss.

PS
We do not write only on these issues! For instance the book offers some strong encouragement to active hospitality, intercessory prayer and organized personal stewardship and it finishes by underlining the need for sound exegesis, explicit hermeneutics and a coherent epistemology. All of these too need much teaching and reinforcement in our churches!

Ian Hore-Lacy
Jon Horne
Will Jones

The Book's Table of Contents

• Preface and Introduction
• 1. Fellowship in discipleship
• 2. Sexual Relationships - what and why
• 3. Establishing and Developing Relationships
• 4. Managing Mind and Body - enjoyment and control
• 5. Recreation - rest and rebuild
• 6. Stewardship versus consumerism
• 7. Hospitality - the forgotten ministry
• 8. Personal Prayer - how organised?
• 9. Witness - to who and what?
• 10. Guidance - experience and opportunity
• 11. Gifts, Vocation and Work
• 12. Forming a Christian Mind
• 13. Reflections
•  
• Appendix 1: A young person's defences against sin
• Appendix 2: Masturbation - a sensitive dialogue
• Appendix 3: Homophile orientation
• Appendix 4: Our bodies and what we do with them
• Appendix 5: What Genesis does and does not teach us about Creation
• Appendix 6: Further reading
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