4. Managing Mind and Body

- enjoyment and control

• Discipleship inevitably involves self-discipline, and spiritual disciplines have a place in discipleship.
• Our bodies are good and wholesome, but need some care.
• Masturbation is a normal activity for most males and needs to be controlled, but is not itself a big deal.
• Control of what fills the mind and heart is basic.

Christianity differs from many other religions in taking the body seriously, as a positive part of personhood, congruent with soul and spirit. The body matters, it is created good³⁹ and will in due course be raised with Christ. In Jesus, God took on human bodily form, just like ours. Self-discipline is vital, and extremes either of asceticism or indulgence are inappropriate. The mind controls the body, and is where self-control primarily needs to occur.

The practical conclusion of Paul's most important letter in the New Testament starts off: "Therefore ... offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Don't conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."⁴⁰ So for Christians that is a good expression of the proper starting point for consideration of mind and body applied to discipleship and worship.

But more broadly, what does it mean to be a male or female made in the image of God? We can avoid the challenge of that question by spiritualising the image of God aspect, but it really involves our mind and body too. This short book cannot address the question adequately, but we raise it firmly and suggest that part of our growth as Christians will lead us to find some answers for ourselves individually if we do not lose sight of the question in comfortable living. We will each find ways to explore it in reflection and discussion without having to be prompted by the travails of Job!

4.1 Spiritual disciplines

Discipleship inevitably involves self-discipline, which many find distinctly countercultural. Spiritual discipline is a subset of this - behaviour which helps us express our commitment to discipleship to the Lord we follow. Among evangelicals today the concept has withered to something much less than it was in earlier centuries, partly because we have a fuller sense of grace, and tend to perceive strict spiritual discipline as a regime of works. But in doing this we may be guilty of cheapening grace, being unduly laid back, and downplaying proper discipline as a core concept in discipleship.

In writing to his mentoree, St Paul was uninhibited on the question: "Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come."^40a While this book is largely about discipleship here and now, we must never lose sight of, or hope of, the new creation to come.

The main spiritual discipline is simply in organising ourselves, and regularly reviewing our priorities in all areas of our lives. This flows to how we spend our time and money, and how we open ourselves to opportunities.

More specific spiritual discipline can take many forms: most fundamentally as the daily quiet time, or time set aside to read the Bible and pray reliably. It also includes our stewardship of time and money, prioritising God's work. Fasting is a significant way of telling God we are serious about being his followers. Slowing is another - regulating the pace of our daily lives so as to make more time for prayer, reflection or discourse. Self-control generally is another aspect of spiritual discipline, more fundamental than occasional self-denial in fasting or slowing. If we have had occasion for major repentance, then penance will help us avoid glossing over the matter (though it must not detract from accepting and rejoicing in forgiveness).

Some of these matters are well covered in church and youth group teaching, some are not. We have a chapter on stewardship, but fasting, slowing, self-denial and self-discipline are matters where there is less scope for many words of general applicability. They arise personally more out reflection in the light of Bible reading and fellowship. Penance is more in the church context.

Fasting is an opportunity to set aside our appetites for food, entertainment or shopping, or simply desire for comfort, to remind ourselves that our dependence on God is more basic and more important. It is an active way of humbling ourselves before God. It opens us to seeking God's grace in a way that goes beyond our routines of prayer and worship. It can take many forms, and be more or less rigorous, from going without breakfast foods occasionally to regular full-day abstinence from anything more than water. While it may create more time to pray, that is not its main rationale. However, prayer and fasting often do go together, each adding to the value of the other.

In 1 Corinthians chapter 7 Paul writes regarding marital sexual union, and mentions (v5) depriving "each other ... by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer". This is essentially a form of fasting. For those unmarried, it possibly translates into taking a break from masturbation - long enough to demonstrate that you are in control of it, and not vice versa!

The rationale of fasting may also be expressed in self-denial during Lent - the 40 days leading up to Easter. During this time we may abstain from chocolate, wine, movies or masturbation, or something else - whatever is a bit of a stretch to say "no" to for that period. Incidentally it establishes that we are not addicted to that food or activity.

Slowing is a disciplined departure from hectic routine, similar to fasting in that it may involve abstaining from certain activities. It can help overcome our addiction to busyness so that we enjoy the present moment more fully. It counters the tyranny of the urgent and cultivates patience. It can give us time to pray through the day's commitments rather than just rushing in to them.

Penance is something which may be best recommended by others whose pastoral guidance we have sought, rather than simply self-imposed. It gives us time to reflect and consider the changes that are needed, and prayerfully resolve our way forward.

4.1 Discussion questions:
What does it mean to you to offer your body as a living sacrifice and spiritual act of worship? What does it involve you doing?
What do you think it means to be a male/female made in the image of God?
How do you think self-discipline can avoid becoming asceticism, and freedom becoming indulgence?
What spiritual disciplines do you currently find most helpful? Which do you think would benefit you to take up?
What is your experience of fasting (or other form of self-denial, e.g. during Lent)?

4.2 Perception and care of our bodies

Relevant to the previous chapters and the next section is the way we understand and care for our bodies. Biblically speaking, Christians have cause to be very positive about their bodies as one expression of their person (with mind and spirit), and to rejoice in all their physical attributes. However, in reality some people have things about their bodies with which they are less than happy and would change if they could.  Some seem particularly concerned with body image, and research is showing that even young children are now becoming obsessed with how they look and how their physical attractiveness is perceived by others. Women's magazines remind us that fashion models and television stars have body image issues - Victoria Beckham was recently quoted bemoaning her "fat arms".

As long as physical attributes - looks, strength, agility - have relevance to life, people will be concerned about them. Christians should resist this and learn to not be overly concerned with such bodily things, though it would be naïve to try to pretend that they don't matter at all.  But beyond accepting ourselves as we are (assuming some personal maintenance in washing, grooming and exercise), it is not smart to be careless of appearance in relation either to our social lives or the workplace. We need to display a modicum of self-discipline in appearance and be sensitive to the expectations of others while understanding that fashions in body image have changed over time and are different within various cultural groups.  Marilyn Monroe was considered one of the sexiest women of her generation but at size 16 today she would be in the Plus-size model category.

For many guys, a girl who really can't be bothered about her appearance is a huge turn-off. When one sees girls whose only appearances in mixed company are in jeans and baggy T-shirt or sloppy top, then the message is clearly: forget about me! (Obviously there are occasions for such dress, it is the routine presentation we refer to here!) Maybe they simply intend to avoid sexually-provocative dressing which excites guys, but if so they can easily overshoot the mark. This consistent sloppiness is tragically common, and the body language of carelessness often complements the dress. The other undesirable extreme - of sexy over-dressing and tarting up - is less common in churches, though there are some where designer labels set the tone to too great an extent and create a real problem for those without them.

All of these considerations apply in both directions of course, but given the need for male initiative the most acute problem is any disincentive for that. There needs to be some happy medium between ascetic dressing down or sloppiness and an undue emphasis on style and fashion.

There seem to be many Christians who proceed on the expectation that their partner should take an interest in them regardless of their appearance - dress or basic grooming. While it is true that the inner beauty which shows through in personality and action is much more important than outward appearance, that is actually beside the point. The carelessness itself can display a lazy inner attitude and lack of consideration for pleasing the partner. Laid-back carelessness with appearance can be a tragic dampener on romance, ignoring the fact that it is built-in to our natures (especially guys) to respond to visual stimuli.

Either partner should take it as a compliment if the other thinks they consistently dress down too much, and under-display their innate beauty, though there may also be elements of wanting the partner to enhance one's image when out and about! It's not a question of "looking sexy" as distinct from looking normal, it's a matter of honouring the other partner. Without going overboard or being extravagant, the more casual partner in dress or personal grooming should try and match the other's expectations - assuming some dialogue to ascertain those and discuss them. Style can be very subjective, but each should communicate their expectations and understand that the whole issue is really about consideration, not just appearance. As in all but core value areas, compromise is essential in relationships.

A particular aspect of the worldly preoccupation with body image is undue concern about comparing oneself with others, which rather than leading to sensible dieting and exercise can lead to unreasonable preoccupation with diets or physical workouts, and to psychological disturbance expressed as anorexia or bulimia. To the extent that this preoccupation with comparison is related to self-esteem it can be countered with healthy and robust interaction with others in Christian fellowship, but of course there may be other pastoral issues involved which require professional attention. However, it again underlines the need for Christians to be countercultural in key areas, and genuinely supportive of one another.

The Bible reminds us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made"⁴¹, and that the Lord is more interested in our heart than our external appearance.  So often we fall into the temptation of comparing ourselves to others, or feeling like we are competing for the attention of the opposite sex based purely on how we look.  A female living in an Australian "Big Brother" house acknowledged that in her real life she didn't mind being her size (she is actually the same size as most Australian women of her age) but being in the house had undermined her confidence in herself because the other girls were 'thin and beautiful' and she was not thin.  As Christians our self-image should not be shaped by fashion and by the expectations of others, but by our acknowledgment that we are known loved by God, who created us 'good' and gave each of us the bodies we have. The important beauty for a Christian is that which is expressed from inside the person⁴².

But having said that, we can affirm one another more than we do, and thereby remind one another of how in some imperfect sense we show God's image. Of course this needs to be sincere and not mere flattery, let alone a line pitched to some girl we are drooling over!

Being loved by God and honouring the body he has given us provides us with some parameters.  Our bodies need to be kept fit and not degraded with substance abuse of any kind - avoiding excessive alcohol consumption, overeating, drugs, smoking, etc. Being grossly overweight is likely to indicate unhealthy lifetyle as well as lack of self control. Positively, the body should be nurtured, exercised and rested. Exercise can and should be a celebration of the physical goodness of one's body. The body should be seen as a temple of the Holy Spirit and respected accordingly⁴³. We shouldn't routinely eat to excess but be content with moderation. Drinking alcohol to excess dishonours and possibly degrades the body as well as immediately disabling us as loving, considerate people.

Getting about seven hours good sleep each night is an important part of looking after ourselves, and it may be necessary to attend to anything which prevents this routinely. Each of us can work out what we need to function optimally, and sleep deficit needs to be made up without undue postponement.

Beyond all this, we must avoid inclining either to a pagan glorification of the physicality of our bodies, or to what might be described as an Islamic preoccupation with keeping them covered.  There is no reason that Christians should not wear contemporary fashion and look cool (you don't need to be a frump, or just plain careless of looks to be holy). Style need not mean extravagance. But we do live in community and we need to think about what we wear and how it might impact on others.  The Bible doesn't tell us specifically that women can't wear bikini tops or display their underwear, but we are encouraged towards modesty and to avoid behaviour that may cause others to stumble.  Female clothing needs to be chosen with an understanding of the male gaze and what lies behind it.

A related matter is the extent to which it is appropriate to go along with the fashion for being a vehicle for advertising clothing or footwear brands which carry very conspicuous manufacturers' labels or logos.

It is sometimes easy for young Christians to assume their right to wear whatever they want without actually thinking about its appropriateness within the broader Christian community - just because you can do something doesn't automatically mean you should.⁴⁴ 

With make-up for girls, some get along fine without it, but others have complexions where a little of it helps a lot on occasion, and for whom any censure of it would be unreasonable. Guys usually shave and thus modify their God-given features - it's a question of whether one puts stuff on or takes it off! Getting one's hair cut occasionally is scarcely controversial.

It is very appropriate for anyone to want to be seen as a highly desirable and even sexy individual within their chosen social circle - behaviour and appearance (in the sense of care and grooming) are a key to this. A person who it utterly careless of their appearance says a lot by that, as does the vanity of a person at the other extreme.

But beyond perceptions of ourselves we need to be affirming and encouraging of one another. This is an important part of our relationship with one another and means that we explicitly appreciate one another as part of God's creation and part of his variegated church. When so much advertising features people with attractive physical attributes, we need to be careful that our perception of other people is not shaped by physique more than the beauty of personality and spirit.

As Christians, we must be thankful to God for the way he has made each of us physically, with that thanks prevailing over any insecurity which might arise from comparisons with others. If you have any reservations in this respect, it is good occasionally to stand nude in front of a mirror and thank God for every part of you. An aspect of Christian witness is admiring and respecting the body and sexuality wholesomely, in contrast to the worship or exploitation of it in parts of popular culture, and the ascetic stigmatisation of it in Islamic culture.

We should be particularly thankful for our complementary anatomy! Guys are equipped with a spout to make urinating more convenient (unfair??) and, on a few occasions in a lifetime - to transfer semen most effectively. But beyond these basic functions, the complementarity of genital anatomy, coupled with the intense pleasure of orgasm, is something gloriously wonderful in achieving and enjoying the 'one flesh' union within marriage.

Allowing our bodies to be seen is OK in appropriate contexts, though some modesty is called for. Christians of all people should not be embarrassed about their bodies. We should rejoice in all our physical attributes, including those normally hidden which are designed as complementary to those of the other half of the human race, and shrouded in pubic luxuriance. That's exactly the way we have been made, and it is all good.

Without making an issue of it, there would seem to be a natural appropriateness to single-sex nudity in at least locker-room and domestic contexts within a broad age group. This can be an aspect of fellowship, expressive of openness and trust, a proper carelessness of others' presence and an unashamedness which is nevertheless careful not to cause offence or give rise to misunderstanding. Casual male nudity, eg in locker room, or on a late-night "nudie run", is a properly normal blokey thing, for guys in their hairy entirety. Unashamed locker room (single sex) nudity is often considered part of team building, and there is no reason for Christians who likely have a more developed sense of fellowship to dissent from that. At its most basic level, nakedness means vulnerability, hence nudity in this context is a quite significant statement of openness and trust. A nude person is stripped of clothing-based signals of social status.

It is remarkable that today many a young person is more likely to see a sexually explicit porn image than a normal, unremarkable fellow human relaxed in their birthday suit.

There is also perhaps nudity which connects with nature, or in a Christian perspective, with unspoiled parts of God's creation. This might be expressed in skinny dipping in secluded places, rejoicing in both aspects of God's creation (but not getting carried away into naturism!). An echo of Eden perhaps?

In recent decades, with the promiscuous culture and Christian reaction to it, nudity does seem to have become sexualized and lost its innocence. However, the normality of the human body in non-sexual situations is in marked contrast with how it is in private and intimate settings, and it is not helpful or appropriate to project or apply the necessary privacy of the intimate to the general scene. In the last few years this sexualisation has been countered by an artist - Spencer Tunick - who has, in a strange way, done something to restore innocence to nudity. Also the various world naked bike rides in many cities counter any sexual aspect of nudity very helpfully as an occasional and fun event, though to some extent with an anti-car agenda.

So, be positive about your body, be as modest as circumstances require, but do not be embarrassed about it or ashamed of it - you don't look too much different from anyone else of the same sex! ⁴⁵

There are a lot of ways to get to know and develop our bodies, in sport and other energetic pursuits as well as appreciating them in sensual pleasures such as good food and wine. We need to be bodily people as well as spiritual.

Finally, what is the appropriate Christian attitude to the sexual equipment in and on the body God has given us? Should we abstain from any genital pleasure while unmarried, or is there appropriate solo 'sexual' activity which we can be relaxed in enjoying? Either way, we should do it with gratitude for the body God has given us and its exciting equipment.

4.2 Discussion questions:
Is body image an issue for you? If so, how do you address it?
How important is taking care with our appearance to us? How important is it to others that we take care with appearance?
How do you honour and respect others in your dress and behaviour? Do you think you could do so more?
How much do you deliberately affirm others in respect to their behaviour, dress, character, etc?
How fit would you say you are? How do you think this relates to your discipleship?
Are there occasions or circumstances when you feel free to be uninhibited regarding nudity?

4.3 Masturbation and its mindset

Returning now to the matter of masturbation mentioned earlier in connection with lust: this is really a side issue to the relationships covered in chapters 2 and 3, which is why we address it here. . Sex is about relationship - the equipment and the orgasm are secondary, which is why for a pre-marriage readership it is more helpful to focus on them separately. Perhaps the main similarity between sex and masturbation is that both are essentially private, though not furtive or secret.

Masturbation is perfectly normal and ordinary for most young people, especially males, outside of marriage, but it tends to be a vexed question and often a distraction for many Christian guys. Outside the Christian context it's barely worth talking about, any more than cleaning your teeth, though embarrassment is a factor. Any young guy will masturbate, the issues in a Christian context are: how much control is exercised over the thoughts which give rise to it? And how much it is reined in as a matter of lust control, a subset of self-control?

It is certainly a larger issue for Christians in general than for most young people because it is their only proper genital activity through adolescence and onward towards marriage as they grapple with managing their hormonal highs. For conscientious Christians, sexual gratification by sleeping around or with particular girlfriends is not an option and scruples about sexual matters heighten this concern. In this context masturbating (to a climax) sometimes becomes a serious cause of anxiety or eroded self-confidence in Christian guys who are preoccupied by a notion of sexual purity which has negligible biblical basis beyond simply controlling lust. (If sexual activity in its proper context is not sinful, neither is solo masturbation per se.)

Masturbation is not "solo sex", which is an oxymoron, since sex is essentially relational, though in one respect it is a halfway house to sex. Certainly it is a foretaste of the pleasure of coital sex, and as with other foretastes of God's eternal pleasures, is prima facie to be enjoyed.

Masturbation does nothing to address social needs, even if it may arise from loneliness. In fact it may even divert attention from active engagement socially. Readers of this section are urged also to read Section 1.4 on Intimacy in close friendships (chapter 1), which talks about a more important topic, one which is often emotionally related. Even for very horny guys, intimacy is a more basic need than getting their rocks off.

Sometimes questions of spiritual oppression arise in relation to masturbation, giving rise to deep tension and undue anxiety. These may be due either to strong addiction to it, or to abstinence driven by fear that any indulgence at all is supremely sinful, equivalent to adultery. Both extremes can be very debilitating and while the former is addressed in this section we need to say that the latter elevates the matter beyond biblical justification and sometimes has very unhappy consequences.

The Bible does have plenty to say on sexual relationships. Sexual intercourse is ordained by God, and in his letter to the Ephesian church St Paul puts it forward as an analogy of our relationship with God.⁴⁶ This forms the obvious context for any sexual feeling or expression outside of marriage, including masturbation. The New Testament also has much to say about self-control.

One problem is that when guys most need to be able to talk about it they may find doing so most difficult. There is a spectrum between hypersensitive hang-ups and obsessive indulgence. The latter may be an outcome of habitual recourse to lust that has become an addiction so that masturbation has become an ingrained habit. Both extremes are undesirable and should be avoided. In between there are different Christian views which can be conscientiously held, though not with equal support and perhaps not equally applicable to male and female.

The Bible's teaching on self-control and what we allow to fill our minds and hearts is central to how we understand the matter, especially if one is seeking to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind", as we have noted St Paul putting it⁴⁷. "Each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen."⁴⁸ Elsewhere, after cataloguing all sorts of sexual immorality he also reminds his readers that the body is a temple of the Holy Sprit, so needs to be treated accordingly: "Therefore honour God with your body"⁴⁹. So, we have the mind being progressively renewed as a key consideration in the light of what was discussed early in chapter 2 (2.2) about lust, coupled with self control and the question of how we honour God with our bodies.^49a

The real issue is mental rather than manual. If occasional masturbation helps one lower the hormonal high or deal better with the fervid sexual lust which invades the mind by indulging them at an early stage of progression, and before they occupy the whole of one's thoughts, then do it, but beware of rationalisations. Rather than satisfying the urge so that it goes away, often it returns more strongly! Entertaining lustful fantasies of sex outside the commitment of marriage is simply wrong! And if they flow to fantasy-focused masturbation, that simply compounds the unwholesomeness. If those mental excursions are better controlled, and their incidence diminished, by cutting them off early and hence abstaining - as we would suggest is often appropriate for someone post-adolescence, then that is the way to go. But abstinence should be a choice driven by godly intent, not by fear of committing a sexual sin (which masturbation itself isn't). Individuals will differ, but it is important to avoid preoccupation with the matter at the expense of energetically cultivating the fruit of the spirit in positive social behaviour. That is where our concentration should be!

Self control is the second key aspect, and is of course itself a fruit of the spirit. Certainly many guys find that masturbation is a battleground where they grapple frustratingly with the basic challenge of self-control in relation to what may have become habitual. They may experience it as the pervasive influence of the old nature in conflict with the aspirations of the new life in Christ⁵⁰. In that sense it is handling the conflict which is important, more than the particulars in themselves. Each person is different, and the 20-year old Christian guy whose supreme achievement is to get it down to once per day is in a different place from his friend whose fortnightly wrestle with lust is the frontier of temptation. Certainly self-control does not necessarily mean abstinence in this area or many others, though it should demonstrably enable abstinence. We should not let ourselves be ruled by rampant hormones.

Self-control is basic! We all accept that regarding words and actions, including behaviour towards others, also mostly regarding our appetite for food and drink. Self-control means simply what it says in most respects, it does not usually mean abstinence unless a desired activity is harmful.

Thirdly, how do we honour (or dishonour) God with our bodies? Before we resort to some prudish answer to this we need to remember that honouring God with our bodies in the marital context means the fullest expression of the one flesh relationship. So what does it mean before that blissful state? Given that sexual intercourse in marriage is supremely positive, it can at least be argued that prima facie, solo masturbation outside marriage may also be proper! The basis on which it may be dishonouring God with one's body is in relation to the thoughts involved and self-control, which are important considerations that we address.

Achieving greater sexual purity is a proper aim, but masturbationary abstinence is much more likely to be an outcome of it rather than a means to it! Confusing or equating the two is a recipe for a false sense of guilt and eroded self-confidence. Massive expectations in relation to minor issues always distort perspective. It is easy for guys to be weighed down by a sense of failure or defeat in something that is intrinsically not wrong, rather than rejoicing in the way we are made and finding ways to control and enjoy our sexuality prior to its consummation in marriage. These ways are elaborated in the previous chapters on sexual relationships.

While enjoying our sexual awareness, feelings and arousal as it is entirely proper to do, we need to avoid becoming preoccupied by genital sexual fantasies or indulging in lust. The question for each of us is, how best to exercise self control so as to avoid the proper sexual feelings flowing into lust? With or without masturbation as a relief or circuit breaker? The point needs making strongly that whether one's policy on masturbation is occasional relaxed enjoyment (self-pleasuring or relief without much more than that in the mind), some sort of management of sexual tension and/or temptation, or abstinence, the main issue is asserting some control of what goes on in the mind. The mind is the primary sexual organ, not the bits down below. Certainly masturbation is more about self-control than sex! While lust control is vital, no-one should beat themselves up about lapses here more than those regarding pride, selfishness, envy, anger, covetousness, greed, etc.

Pay careful attention to, and be disciplined about, what is fed into your brain and allowed free rein within it, and don't be uptight about what you do with your hands - enjoy with thanks! Self-control regarding what occupies your thoughts is basic. There is no biblical reason to stigmatise masturbation itself. However, while we do not suggest a too-rigorous view of how self-control should be expressed, certainly where masturbation is an unwelcome reminder of past porn addiction or is associated with unduly nurturing lust, there is a clear case for abstinence.

Within a romantic relationship such as in the previous chapters, one might distinguish three ways in which a Christian guy handles masturbation: he may abstain, in order to avoid lust and exercise proper self control; he may masturbate occasionally with his mind on the partner in the context of the social intimacy they already enjoy and not focused on any genital adventures; or he may masturbate lustfully with the mental focus on having sex with her. This would obviously be exacerbated by any recent exposure to porn. We would suggest the first two may be appropriate, the third is not. The three are really points on a spectrum of behaviour, and if a guy can't keep his thoughts largely above her naval, then self-control becomes the challenge and abstinence the best policy. Lust-driven masturbation will not enhance the relationship.

And to say again: If pornography intrudes, the comfortable correspondence between guys developing wholesome relationships with girls and private masturbation becomes uncomfortable and twisted, if not totally distorted. The natural male tendency to be physical rather than emotionally relational is exacerbated, and all the things that are needed to establish a relationship which has the potential to be a life partnership are pushed to the background.

We attempt to cover some particular Christian views fairly thoroughly in Appendix 2, as a dialogue drawn from our pastoral experience regarding masturbation and the challenge it may sometimes pose.

Don't get into the habit of mental indulgence in lust of which masturbation is the manual aspect or outcome. We commend Appendix 1 on "A young person's fourfold defences against sexual sin", along with the comment in an earlier section about maintaining a sense of humour regarding sex. For some, that may end up being the best antidote to habitual masturbation which feels out of control! Being able to laugh at something suggests a healthy detachment from it and from what fuels it.

For most, it probably goes without saying that because masturbation is self-centred, it is in that important sense not a good preparation for marriage, which involves giving oneself to another. On the other hand for guys some active enjoyment of arousal is likely helpful in keeping the equipment exercised beyond what wet dreams achieve. Wet dreams with just the semen discharge are on their own not much of a preparation for coital sex. Physical stimulation of an erection to climax is much closer to that. Certainly abstinence which is effectively self-neutering can be problematical when the wedding night comes round. Short of masturbating, we need to be able to enjoy our bodies as given by God, and not extend the self-control into a sort of psychological self-neutering. If a guy has come to believe that tactile and sensuous enjoyment of his morning erection is somehow unspiritual, then what on Earth is his understanding of God's good design? Worship would be a more appropriate response to enjoying the full complement of our bodily attributes!

Unless conditioned by porn, in teenage years the hormonal urge towards self-pleasuring relief is likely to be a more pervasive driver than well developed sexual fantasies, and if so, there is no strong reason to see the act itself as negative in any particular moral sense. Teenage guys' systems work well with masturbation daily, sometimes more frequently, but usually rather less, and diminishing with maturity. For girls we understand it is both much less prevalent and less frequent. But another teenage need is progressively to learn self-control, including lust control.

As the adolescent stage gives way to more mature consideration, the prospect and experience of relationships (rather than just rampant hormones) becomes a greater factor and frames the issue⁵¹. Self control then assumes greater importance, making it appropriate to rein in the activity - especially if it has become at all habitual, with pleasure being deferred pending fuller genital expression in future marriage. Many Christians find that masturbation becomes less appropriate after adolescence and with the stronger development of romantic relationships, where self-control needs to be to the fore in other ways too. After teenage years, self-control may appropriately become abstinence. Of course, masturbation normally has no place in marriage.

Whatever we decide, our discipleship should be characterised by a clear conscience concerning all behaviour related to our sexuality. As outlined in section 2.5, flirting with pornography must be avoided, and Christians should avoid internet porn sites like the plague. Arguably, the bible's words about using prostitutes can be applied to accessing pornography - the self indulgence and exploitation of women are much the same. We underestimate the addictiveness of pornography at our peril. . In teenage years it seriously derails the process of growing up emotionally. At any age it steadily erodes the ability to enjoy normal personal relationships in their sexual dimensions. Romance is displaced by voyeurism or lust. Once the attraction of porn is indulged, it can be a long way back.⁵² This needs to be a key aspect of accountability relationships among young bucks!

One of the effects of exposure to pornography is that that individual guys can become unduly self-conscious about aspects of their anatomy which in fact are just fine and fit for purpose. This gives oxygen to a flood of spam preying upon insecurity and offering quack "enhancement". We should be no more self conscious about differences in our less-public parts than differences in the rest of our physical endowment which in fact equips us very well for life.

For young women the fundamental issues are the same, though physiologically the masturbation temptation is much less - young male arousal is very hard to ignore, the mechanics of male orgasm are simple, and habits form easily. This means also that porn is far less a problem for girls. If coupled with a fertile imagination, the occasional cold shower may be much more needed for guys!

The major pastoral point is that we need to avoid taking an unduly strong stand on any aspects of Christian behaviour that are not hugely significant, and pushing standards that do not allow for the full spectrum of young people, from the inert to the passionate high-hormone types. Something like masturbation should not be allowed to become a major preoccupation. If it does, whether as addiction on the one hand or guilt trip on the other, we are being distracted from more important priorities.

Church teaching which stigmatizes masturbation is likely to be profoundly unhelpful in encouraging a wholesome understanding of sexuality. Compared with the consequences we have discussed above of promiscuous sexual activity, solo masturbation itself is relatively trivial, though not something unconnected or to be ignored. If it is done in good conscience and reined in somewhat as with self control on other fronts, well and good. Making a big deal of the matter may mean that the church is self-selecting for wimps, or simply low-testosterone types - a very serious form of self-abuse at the corporate level⁵³.

It is not unusual for Christian guys to masturbate non-stop from puberty to matrimony, or at least to young adulthood, and while we would not put that forward as an ideal situation, there are many more important matters to focus on in practical discipleship. This is especially so in teenage years.

If it's not associated with sexual thoughts that you would be embarrassed for others (especially the subject) to know of, and is within the realm of reasonable self-control, then enjoy! ⁵⁴ If it exacerbates our natural tendency to fantasise about genital sex or if it consolidates a pattern of such thought (or lust), then stronger self control is called for. So, be very concerned about what you allow to occupy your mind and imagination, but there are no grounds for any major guilt trip over the action itself. In fact if masturbation as occasional or even habitual relaxed self-pleasuring is largely devoid of lust or sexual fantasy it may well be (and should be) accompanied by a sense of gratitude to God for the pleasure involved and by a sense of grateful anticipation of that aspect of marriage. Thank God for the pleasure of it and look forward to the day when you share its intensity with your life partner as a feature of that special intimacy.

One practical point is that if male masturbation is seen in any respect as keeping the system exercised for marriage, then it is better practiced so as to be drawn out and not just quick relief. Sexual intercourse for a female cannot normally be rushed, and guys need to learn how to prolong the whole process to match the female needs and expectations. So there is good reason at least occasionally to stretch it to many times the duration of the minimum quick wank. Otherwise that quick relief may come to be seen as corresponding to the sexual norm, which it definitely isn't.

A final warning: If masturbation ever becomes the satisfactory extent of your sexual longing, and you lose the urge to engage socially with young members of the opposite sex, then review the situation immediately! Your sexual urge is meant to drive you into relationship, not into solo self-indulgence. Masturbation should be no more than ancillary to that deep urge for one-flesh relationship. It can be a valuable part of sexual management pending deployment of equipment and energy in another person who is life partner, but as an end in itself displacing that social engagement, it's pathetic.

The need for young adults to be able to talk reasonably openly about masturbation in the church context is obvious and must be encouraged. By that we mean giving it space in public discourse and teaching, and for individuals to be able to talk about it at least with close friends. The fact that it's private doesn't mean it's unmentionable. Our contrived dialogue in Appendix 2 may indeed be a talking point or conversation starter. It aims to cover a range of particular questions which sometimes arise.

For teenage guys, apart from accountability partner, it may be good to talk with an older person such as youth pastor or father (mothers' role tends to be limited to making sure there's a box of tissues near your bed!).

To summarise:
For teenage guys: within the important twin constraints of avoiding porn and taking lust control seriously, go to, enjoy. It's a minor matter compared with the social and emotional maturing that is going on.
For older guys, within those same two constraints, there are some issues to think about which may or may not lead you to conditional abstinence. You need to work out what is appropriate self-controlled godliness for you.
Overall, it is entirely appropriate to feel free to enjoy masturbation from puberty to matrimony, and then enjoy sex very fully as the icing on the cake of a lifelong relationship. (Of course abstinence is an option, and marriage is not for everybody.)
For the fairer sex: we forbear from advice! But the issues are the same.
In moderation, and without the boost from pornography or unconstrained lust, masturbation should be seen as a God-given tool for sexual management which is useful for some unmarried people, not necessarily all.

So, the objective is:
1. To maintain a positive and thankful attitude to your sexual equipment and the pleasure of orgasm
2. To remember that self-control is an important fruit of the spirit, and
3. To control and minimise lust.

4.3 Discussion questions for guys:
Have you worked out what is the best sexual management strategy for yourself in relation to lust control and masturbation? What factors affect your approach?
If you masturbate, can you assert your self-control by ceasing for a month or two?
Can you enjoy sexual feelings and arousal without needing to masturbate to climax?
Can you talk openly among closer friends about these questions?
Are you in danger of a preoccupation with masturbation which makes you less conscientious about sins like pride, selfishness, etc? or socially withdrawn even?
Do you think masturbation might provide relief for a sense of social insecurity and difficulty in relating to people? If so, how can you address those issues?
How does being in or out of a romantic relationship affect your attitude to masturbation?
How helpful or unhelpful do you find your church's teaching in this area?

4.3 Discussion questions for girls:
Have you worked out what is the best sexual management strategy for yourself in relation to lust control and masturbation? What factors affect your approach?
Can you talk openly among closer friends about these questions?
Do you think it would be appropriate for you to have or express a view about whether your boyfriend should masturbate or not? Do you feel that you understand the propensity of young males in this regard?
Would you be upset if he thought about you when masturbating? Or if he didn't? Or if he thought about someone else instead?
How helpful or unhelpful do you find your church's teaching in this area?

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