2. Sexual Relationships - What & Why

• Sex is for relationships, not just recreation.
• Our sexuality is to be both enjoyed and controlled, not disparaged or repressed.
• Full sexual expression belongs within marriage, not as a preliminary to it.
• Active social engagement is an important expression of sexuality pre marriage.
• Self control can be assisted in many practical ways.

2.1 Sex and sexuality

One of the most exciting things about how we are made is our sexuality, adding a dimension to some relationships which stimulates our whole being. This is fraught with potential for the richest experiences of our lives, or the most debilitating ones. Christians should be more positive and joyful than anyone about sex, after all they claim to know the One who invented it! However, it also follows that they will have more concern than most about the designer's views on its proper enjoyment, as distinct from the many other ways it is approached and even idolised. It is clear that God designed sex for relationships, not just recreation. It is equally clear that many of those who reject God, or at least discipleship, do so because of a contrasting approach to sex.¹⁸ For the Christian, sexuality is part of spirituality, not separate, let alone opposed to it as in some traditions.

We need to start with and reflect upon the foundational teaching about sex and marriage for all humankind, set out in very few words in Genesis 2:24: "A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (NIV) Other versions have "hold fast to his wife", emphasizing the active element of that unity within the covenant of marriage. So coital sex in particular is to be the seal on the one principal and profound relationship that most of us have. It does not belong outside that context.

So we can say that sex is the joining with another person in a complementary one-flesh, intimate and committed relationship. It therefore does not include one-night stands or sleeping with the current boy/girlfriend. Those are simply short-sighted approximations or perhaps rehearsals for it, arising from the very understandable attraction of the real thing and impatience with finding it.

Sex in this full sense is the God-designed and God-given human analogue of our relationship with God. It is thus as close as we get on Earth to experiencing heaven. In St Paul's letter to the Ephesian church (5:25-33) he says that the physical sexual relationship within marriage is "a profound mystery" which is a human analogy of our relationship with God! This is an amazing claim, but it is consistent with the Old Testament use of the word yada for "knowing", both for people's relationship with God and for sexual intercourse. Both involve intimacy, belonging, and faithful commitment. It is consistent too with OT imagery concerning Isreal's faithfulness, or usually, lack of it.

Our sexuality is the deep desire that drives us to connect intimately with others, to know and be known. Spirituality is the same vis a vis God, as well as understanding and connecting with his creation. Sexuality is an important part of spirituality.

A big question, especially for Christians, is: does previous sexual experience enhance or detract from the marriage - this wonderful committed life partnership designed by God? Is there benefit as well as virtue in virginity before that commitment? And: Does it really matter?

For many Christians, who come to faith in late teens or early 20s, it is a fairly academic and largely irrelevant question. Virgin innocence is usually a distant memory. But we address it here both for the sake of the others for whom it is pressing and real, and to expound some matters of relevance to all of us.

Each of us needs to choose whether coital sex will simply be an exciting part of relationships before marriage, or something very special which enriches and expresses the single relationship within an eventual marriage. We cannot fully have it both ways. The first precludes the second, where sex is a special part of bringing and holding two people together permanently. A measure of social success for some young guys is how many women they have slept with. From a Christian perspective, that is a measure of sexual compromise and devaluation which must erode the uniqueness and probably longevity of any subsequent marriage.

For those who decide to hold out on coital consummation until marriage (which may be a distant prospect), masturbation is often (especially for guys) a helpful sublimation of desire and a help in avoiding rushed relationships. But see section 4.3 for some qualification of this comment.

It is a wonderful thing that the human sexual apparatus is clearly designed and constructed for pleasure in marriage, not simply procreation. Not only are we better endowed than other primates, but uniquely among animals the equipment is designed to be used face to face with full body contact. In the words of an Anglican marriage liturgy, we are set up to be able to worship our spouse with our bodies. God's creation of human sexuality is really amazing, even if that very fact opens it to misuse outside of marriage.

Philip Yancey in his book Rumours of Another World discusses the many things around us which should, and often do, point us to God. But regarding sex, "the church in its prudery has silenced a powerful rumour of transcendence that could point to the Creator and originator of human sexuality, who invested in it far more meaning than most modern people can imagine. We have desacralised it, in effect, by suppression and denial, and along the way our clumsy attempts at repression have empowered a false infinite. Sexual power lives on, but few see in that power a pointer to the One who designed it. Few Christians 'hallow' sex in the way that we hallow nature." There is thus a limp, rather than full-on, contrast with the worldly views of sex which make it no more than the "false infinite" indulgence and recreation.

The inclination and possibility of being joined socially and intimately with a person of the opposite sex is simply wonderful and since we are created gendered, it fills out our human nature. Everybody is created with this potential, though sexual intercourse doesn't have to be the ultimate expression of all sexual relationships. For Christians the distinctive is chastity expressed as abstinence unless or until there is the public and lifelong commitment to a particular relationship which we call marriage. Sexual consummation is delayed until the covenant of marriage. Understanding sexual intercourse as part of marriage and not simply a more ordinary aspect of enjoying relationships beforehand is both biblically supported as conveying the Maker's intention and also in line with a thoughtful approach to what it all means.

Compared with the condom culture of today, Christians do sexual relationships the other way round, working towards a sexual consummation some distance away rather than treating sex as a sort of qualifying round or entrée in a relationship (let alone simply as recreation). In the past, premarital enjoyment of sex has been constrained by the threat of pregnancy and sometimes by social or religious taboos, but these constraints are now largely absent. The high moral norm in today's society is several sequential faithful relationships with one eventually resulting marriage - perhaps the first of a couple of marriages.

Christians are familiar with the 'already' and 'not yet' aspects of understanding God's kingdom on Earth. Much the same is true of enjoying our sexuality pending marriage - 'already' sexuality is real and enjoyable, but consummation properly is 'not yet' (though in this we have scope for fudging the timeline and eroding the blessing). The groaning in impatient expectation (Romans 8: 21-24) is certainly well known to the single Christian!

From a non-Christian perspective, sex before marriage is not so much the wrong thing as the second-best thing, trading significant longer-term marital security and satisfaction for short-term gratification. The exercise of freedom prematurely in fact leads to an inappropriate loss of freedom. Particularly for non-Christians without any sense of wrongdoing, this is simply a stage on the way to a fuller committed relationship where they can experience/ enjoy the one flesh coital commitment more fully and permanently. From a Christian perspective it does not square with biblical teaching about marriage and is therefore wrong in its timing rather than its nature, as well as distinctly second-best in ways which we expound in this chapter.

It is sad that so often sexual intercourse comes to be treated as just another appetite to be satiated whenever possible, with no very special context required. Of course like any indulgence, that is more fun immediately, but in the context of life it is a tragic devaluation of something very special and important to the social fabric, and for reasons that we will argue, it diminishes the prospect of stable and enduring marriage relationships long-term.

With sex there is a fundamental choice to be made by the young Christian adolescent. Either you decide to have it as designed, as a unique and supremely meaningful expression of being one flesh with your life partner in marriage, or you decide that it is really too exciting to delay experiencing it and so you enjoy it without waiting for marriage. But you cannot have both - if you choose one you lose the other, or compromise it substantially.

Thus there are demands on Christians to manage their sexual relationships pending marriage, and this issue forms much of the substance of this and the next chapter. It is an area where Christians are commonly tested, and any such trial is often compounded because of our awkwardness in being able to talk about the issues frankly, as well as because of the intrinsic power of sexual inclinations. But sexuality is about relationships and intimacy in them, not merely genital activities.

There is also a question of whether we are rejoicing and delighted in our sexuality, or tied up in a knot over it. This comes down to both perception and practice. The perception needs to be biblical and positive, and the practice needs to be management and control, not fear and denial.

It is absolutely appropriate to enjoy with some sexual buzz the company of the opposite sex, to enjoy the sight of them and to think about them as sexual and complementary. But it is in the area of thought particularly that control is needed. For an unmarried Christian to enjoy thoughts about sexual union with particular individuals is OK to a degree, but to become absorbed in that, or to engage in any such wishful thinking regarding someone married, amounts to lust. He or she needs to draw the line on lust not so as to stigmatise all sexual desire, but somewhere between attraction and obsession. We say more about lust in the following section.

The Bible's Song of Songs is a lyrical window on erotic love, and an endorsement of it in God's creation. The sexual 'desire' there is for a wonderful intimacy of mutual self-giving and submission, issuing in the epitome of delight. The rapture of intimacy is given meaning by belonging. And several times the cautionary note: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" suggests that this is constrained in timing and occasion and not recklessly indulged. It is to be under control.

So sexuality is to be both enjoyed and controlled. Contrary to prevalent assumptions, proper control arising from an acceptance of responsibility leads to fuller enjoyment. Part of the problem today is that adult responsibility in relationships is sometimes not evident or accepted until relatively late - even beyond the twenties! This gives an extremely protracted adolescence in some aspects of sexual relationships, though this is not a problem we have observed within Christian circles. For Christians the fact that sexuality is wonderfully exciting has the corollary of frustration while it is not yet able to be fully expressed or experienced.

Narrowing the focus, we can say that for many teenagers, experiencing sexual intercourse is an integral part of adolescence, whereas it actually belongs as part of adulthood, along with responsibility for another person in marriage. That is a very basic difference. However, the concept of sexual union properly belonging in marriage rather than being expressed as adolescent sex - ranging from recreational to provisionally-committed - is not common outside of a Christian view of relationships. This means that when we are talking about "sex" we may really be talking about quite different things.

In the eyes of the hedonistic young person, single Christians (especially in adolescence) will inevitably be seen as having a deprived and impoverished life. But in fact the social acceptance of adolescent sexual experimentation cuts right across the development which that stage of life is all about - adolescent brains are a work in progress, with great flux of values and of ability to make considered judgments. Furthermore, the last stages of adolescent development are often reckoned to be gaining competence and wisdom in both risk-taking and problem-solving, which reinforces the case for saying that adolescent coital engagement is unwise. ^18a

The idea of short circuiting the steady development of committed relationships, where sexual experience actually belongs, by sexual adventures in teenage years and early 20s is enormously attractive. But it is not very sensible if a long-term objective in that department is to enjoy a good marriage when you are ready for it. Marriage, when you eventually get round to it, may be a disappointing anti-climax rather than an exciting new adventure.

You have got to balance the appropriate sexual enjoyment of your developing relationship with lust control, and especially for guys, work out how masturbation fits into that, or maybe doesn't. There is no moral issue involved with masturbation itself. There may be one regarding self-control, and linked to that, there will certainly be one regarding lust control! Everyone is different, but for most guys it's an appropriate enjoyment and emotional release. For guys who have had a serious porn addiction though, abstinence is often best. The use or addiction of alcohol is a fair analogy.

Being aroused or excited in the presence, or with the thought, of an attractive member of the opposite sex (or girl/boy friend) is certainly not lust, but letting that play out into coital fantasy is most likely to be so. (cf discussion on lust in 2.2)

There are two areas of widespread interest involving sex and where the Bible is silent: masturbation, and extended premarital relationships. However, with each we have principles which apply - those for the first are expounded in chapter 4 (4.3).

We can distinguish four broad categories of relationship involving sexual intercourse (coital sex) prior to marriage:

Casual sex outside of any faithful relationship, and where no enduring or exclusive relationship is intended,

Exploratory sex with a view possibly starting a relationship,

Sex within a steady and faithful relationship but without long-term commitment,

Sex as part of cohabitation - short of a formal life commitment.

The first - casual sex - is clearly contrary to any notion of its role that is arguable in Christian circles. It degrades the notion of enduring and ennobling union. More specifically Paul is strongly critical of the idea of being united with a prostitute, and this appears to be on the basis of its casual transience and perhaps self indulgence, contrasted with union with Christ.^18b For all its physical intimacy, there is no true intimacy to be found there. The frequent biblical warnings about sexual immorality at least apply to casual sex.

The second, though undertaken with a view to the third, is really in practice not much different to casual sex. It is not an issue in Christian circles generally.

The third, in a faithful relationship, is harder to relate unambiguously to biblical injunctions, and with reliable contraception it is well insulated from procreation (which in biblical times and until the 20th century it wasn't). The idea of a faithful but uncommitted long relationship with ready access to reliable contraception is unknown in the bible, and therefore not addressed specifically.

Here the intention is not transience and nor is it any more self-indulgent than possible within marriage. However there are some relevant pointers, and of course it will in fact often turn out to be fairly transient. This means that after moving from one sexually active and intimate relationship to another once or twice or more, divorce after marriage is not such a big deal. Hence the widespread practice of premarital intercourse even in faithful relationships actually contributes to the divorce culture of our times.

The basic concept of a one-flesh relationship epitomised in marriage implies that this special thing is desirably singular, not serial, and involves the ownership of one another's bodies, as St Paul reminds us in 1 Cor 7. Restricting sexual union to this one lifelong relationship is therefore not only an effective way of focusing the human heart on finding and committing to that one person - though it is that - but even more importantly it is in itself constitutive of that one-flesh relationship. The consummated sexual union with a unique partner actually creates something special, and to express it out of that context is to deplete and devalue it. In other words, the uniqueness of a sexual union carefully preserved for one lifelong partner embodies in itself the reality of the one-flesh relationship which the couple share. To the extent that this uniqueness is compromised, the special sense of belonging is diminished, but certainly not eliminated - just as well, given the fallibility of human nature.

There is one interesting pointer in Exodus on the matter. In Ex 22:16-17 premarital sexual consummation is not condemned, but it means that marriage must follow, unless the father of the girl exercises a veto. In other words, sex belongs within marriage and if you get it out of order, then rectify the situation and get married or at least pay a hefty fine. Reliable contraception may lessen the imperative, but it is still a pointer. See also the box on Marriage later in the chapter.

It is sometimes tempting for Christians to see the sexual union as the mere picture or symbol of the reality that is the relationship, to see "one flesh" as only a metaphor for some emotional or spiritual reality. But that is a mistaken, almost dualistic way of looking at the relationship. Human persons are body as well as mind and spirit, and the physical union is no less an essential element of the loving reality than is the emotional attachment that the couple feel. It is for good reason that in English common law couples are not considered legally married until their vows have been so consummated.

There are two salient problems with early enjoyment of full sexual relationships: first, enjoying the full physical delights of marriage without being in a committed relationship means that the delights are likely to be less special when you eventually are in it, and secondly it means that you are not free to explore relationship possibilities with a wider range of people, without moving out of the one you are in. If it feels to your partner that this is little short of marriage, then the move will be fraught, to say the least, and hurtful to one or both parties. Furthermore when you do move out of those premarital relationships to go into another one, or for a period of singleness, it normalises that kind of move in a way that is unhelpful for marriage.

And quite apart from any Christian considerations, those who have enjoyed a faithful sexual relationship before marriage - but one which has not endured - often feel that a part of themselves has gone with the other person when they go their separate ways. The question becomes: how do you escalate the experience of sex in the eventual committed long-term marriage relationship from what you now enjoy? How can you turn it into something sacramental of that long-term commitment in an exciting, fulfilling way so that it differentiates the marriage from what has gone before, and also from the adulterous opportunities which will almost inevitably beckon?

In short, because sexual union is such a vital and substantive part of marriage, it does not belong outside of that formal and public commitment in any relationship or lifestyle claiming biblical guidance. Removing for the time being the procreative potential certainly changes the practicalities of coital sex, but not the moral or theological basis. Nor does it properly take account of the basic nature of our sexuality.

Unless it has been degraded by casual liaisons, coital sex is such an emotionally powerful thing that it is really only safe within marriage. This is because it suppresses rationality and the use of our critical faculties. It is blissfully irrational, whereas what is needed leading up to marriage is some strong rationality applied in the midst of enjoying relationships, and often contra the euphoria of falling in love. Within marriage, once the feasibility study is over and the commitment made, it can sometimes be helpful to transcend differences in the joy of sexual union, reinforced by the addictive aspects of orgasm. But before marriage, while we are assessing the possibilities of candidates for lifelong partnership, it is exactly what is NOT needed, and is guaranteed to make rational choice of life partner more fraught and uncertain. Within marriage coital sex is a very positive plus in making the union all that it is designed to be, before marriage it is a very powerful distraction from actually assessing long-term compatibility (and extramaritally it is dynamite).

So, what makes coital sex so special within marriage is exactly what makes it profoundly unhelpful in the social exploration before marriage.

Any of us can enjoy sleeping with a much wider variety of partners than we can enjoy living with for 50 years. Within a marriage, coital sex can smooth over differences. If therefore we engage in coital sex during the investigative phase prior to marriage it has precisely the wrong effect - where we need to be alert to differences which may become problems in a long-term relationship, they are submerged or pushed into the background instead. We each need to tune into all the idiosyncrasies of the opposite sex, especially if we haven't grown up with them in a sibling.

On a number of occasions Jesus emphasised to his disciples the importance of waiting with anticipation for his return, and that it was a serious dereliction of discipleship if he found that in his absence they had allowed themselves to become distracted from their calling and were simply pleasing themselves. Perhaps there is also here a warning to those who are tempted not to wait until the proper time to join themselves as one flesh, who think the wedding feast should begin before the marriage ceremony is over. Just as Jesus and the church must wait until they have entered the eternal commitment of their marriage for the full consummation of their love, so too should couples defer their sexual union until they have entered into life-long commitment with one another. In other words, the Biblical imperative to wait patiently for Jesus' return can, without impropriety, be seen also as theologically confirming, and even underpinning, the imperative for couples to wait until marriage.

There is another kind of sexual relationship, essentially adolescent, which is faithful and ongoing for even a couple of years but without any serious thought of ensuing marriage, and on the basis of our limited acquaintance with it we put this into the category of casual sex. It is a precociousness common in continental Europe.

The last category, cohabitation, is arguably what marriage actually means and therefore we maintain that the commitment should be formal and permanent, not a test drive with an escape clause. If sex is devalued, as it commonly is in society, then cohabitation is often seen as a good preliminary to marriage, as the last stage of the feasibility study. However, apart from fudging the question of when there might be the onset of full lifetime commitment, it can make it psychologically difficult to embark upon that level of legal and moral commitment as a joint decision, and ironically also hard for one partner to break it off in response to nagging doubts. Cohabitation is common in western society, and while it has some virtues as a transitional stage prior to the commitment of marriage, it inevitably detracts from the uniqueness of marriage. The Christian model of saving cohabitation as well as other sexual consummation for marriage means that there is a good impetus to consider the issues together and then get on with the whole package. Maybe that is why we are designed with the yearning for intimacy and sexual pleasure that we have? The other implication of cohabitation is that when it is terminated, that raises many of the theological questions of divorce (and a few practical ones, too). See box on Marriage later in this chapter.

In Christian understanding, real sex is part of marriage. Just as masturbation is far from being sex in any relational sense, genital intercourse outside of committed marriage is not properly sex as designed, but only an incomplete expression or simulation of it. Without the considered commitment of each to the other and the mutual ownership of one another's bodies the physical act is inadequately seen as sex. This is underlined by the fact that it is usually intended to be completely divorced from procreation. Also it tends to be divorced from taking responsibility for one another over the long term. "Knowing" another person sexually echoes our knowing God, and connotes unconditional faithfulness, belonging, care and responsibility. In this sense, marriage is a foretaste of heaven, as Paul implies in Ephesians 5. The "love" involved in casual sex is far removed from these characteristics and from the love which says "I do" and "I will" with due consideration in embarking upon marriage. The "love" in the other three expressions of sex outlined above is still deficient against this criterion.

The third expression of sexual relationship listed above - the steady and faithful relationship with intercourse but not public commitment or cohabitation - can be virtuous in many respects but falls short of the created design. In practice the long-term expectations of each partner often differ markedly, which means that if it is not formalised in marriage then deep hurt can remain. Other comments regarding the erosion of the special place of sexual intimacy in marriage also apply. For Christians, sexual experience properly follows firm, clear and public commitment, rather than being just an exciting or at least congenial part of working towards it.

Sexual intercourse is best understood and experienced as the expression of lifetime commitment to a partner, not merely a special expression of love. While sex within a faithful relationship is admirable relative to casual sex, it is still not what the "one flesh" idea means.

So rather than four categories such as these, we can also talk about a spectrum between casual sex and sex in a long-term committed relationship which we call marriage. Arguably most people unconstrained by Christian principle move along it, though not necessarily from right at the uncommitted end. In the middle are faithful relationships which have many positive aspects but not only fall short of the full permanent one-flesh ideal but may diminish the prospect of achieving that, because coital sex is reduced to just something special you do with someone fairly special. It is not properly taking title over one another's bodies (1 Cor 7:4) as a focal point in sharing of lives and making sexual intercourse the sacrament of that.

In the light of these, real coital sex is or involves a combination of:
- expression of passionate affection
- extreme physical intimacy
- anatomical complementarity
- orgasm, involving body and brain chemistry
- exclusive faithfulness (see also below)
- mutual ownership of one another's bodies
- security arising from exclusive life commitment
- reciprocal self-giving

If any are missing, it is less than sex as designed. If the last three are replaced by ad hoc mutual gratification, it is significantly less. If the exclusive faithfulness is also missing, then "sex" is simply using another body for indulgent pleasure.

Faithfulness at least means making the partner the sole focus of sexual activity, so that he/she is the only person you sleep with or allow yourself to be mentally stimulated by. This is the gold standard of sexual virtue in our cullture, and it has a lot to commend it in contrast to casual sex. But it lacks a few important elements of Christian marriage.

It is noteworthy that there is more biblical precedent for polygamy than for premarital sexual intercourse. Strangely though, there is not the same pressure for rationalization regarding the one as the other!

Sex is God-given so that we can express love to our spouse in a uniquely intense, intimate, trusting and wonderful way, not just so that we can individually be sexually satisfied. Within marriage, sexual intercourse is reciprocal self-giving, not simply mutual self-gratification. It is God's gift to our partner through us! If we see it as being primarily for our own gratification we miss the point and degrade it to the level of that in promiscuous society around us. Fundamentally this is an aspect of the difference between giving and getting. This is countercultural, and not an easy perspective to maintain.

This distinction between self-giving and self-gratification tends to grow on you - and with you! And it means that we need to move towards focusing our sexual experience on a life partner rather than dissipating it prematurely so that in marriage one is left with less to give in this respect. Chastity is not a word which features much in our contemporary vocabulary, but perhaps it should. It means a commitment to enjoying sexual intercourse in its proper marriage context and hence abstaining from premarital or extramarital sex.

Living to different standards than most of our peers should not make us judgmental. Remember that though his standards were very different from theirs, Jesus was not judgmental or uptight when he was in contact with sexually promiscuous people. He communicated love which fully accepted the person and not their behaviour. So should we, while remaining conscious of all the areas we ourselves individually fail to express his character.

2.1 Discussion questions:
Are you excited, or are you intimidated, by your sexuality? Why?
Have you found clear guidelines which help you enjoy it as a Christian? What has been most helpful (or unhelpful) in your church and social context?
Do you get sufficient support in delaying the fulfillment of your sexual appetite pending marriage? Do you support others in that?
Where do you seek and find a wholesome measure of intimacy? What form does that take?
Re the Song of Songs: how do you avoid arousing or awakening love uncontrollably?
How much have you been able to discuss the experience of your non-Christian friends in sexual matters? Are you able to be open and non judgmental while remaining clear on your own standards and the justification for them?
In respect to the four broad categories of relationship involving sexual intercourse, how would you engage with a friend in each of those?
If you are in a steady relationship, have you discussed the question of sleeping with your partner? To what extent do you agree or disagree with one another in relation to what we have expounded?

2.2 Managing our sexuality

Biologically it is a natural predisposition for a post-adolescent unmarried person to be sleeping with his/her girl/boyfriend if in any sort of steady relationship, and our contemporary culture reinforces this natural inclination. Fire in the loins points to passionate indulgence. The libido yearning to be unleashed forcefully raises the question of "Why not?". The taboos of previous generations have given way to expectations of getting what we want. While there may not be peer pressure to get laid, there is generally peer permission. But in the context of seeking a lifelong partner, simply following our inclination lacks wisdom. It devalues what sexual intimacy is all about, and tends to cut right across properly establishing the whole committed and exclusive "one flesh" relationship of marriage which is so much more than plain biology.

To start with, this need for restraint applies to recreational sex which is not even within a steady relationship. Moving on from this we need to remember that our culture is so debased in this respect that for many 20s singles sleeping together is a prime requirement for initiating a romantic relationship or for it to be considered even halfway serious. It is a preliminary, not a culminating act. But as such, both forms of extra-marital sexual activity are clearly outside the scope of appropriate Christian behaviour for unmarried Christians, as discussed in the previous section.¹⁹

But the excitement and challenge of scoring with casual sex is very attractive! It gives rise to a lifestyle of exploring what is new and unknown which in the short term contrasts adversely with Christian restraint, focused as it is on the longer term and incorporating the possibility of procreation. Routine sexual intercourse with a life partner does not have this element of chase and excitement, its satisfaction is in the intimacy of secure belonging rather than novelty and conquest. Hence a lifestyle of premarital sexual adventure does not equip a person for marriage, rather it sets them up for a restlessness within it.

We readily acknowledge the great attractiveness of a sexual romp with its physical and emotional sense of liberation and ecstasy and its warm physical intimacy, and we rejoice that even such incomplete experience can be so exciting! But it doesn't alter the fact that going down that road prematurely does have consequences for all our relationships now and in the future by detracting from and diminishing the Big One which matters most - that lifetime partnership of absolute belonging and secure intimacy that we call marriage.

Sexual eagerness is not a very good discriminator among males, maturity and character are. Guys readily separate sex and relationships. So many males can just treat sex as simply gratifying and focused on genital imtimacy, because that is the way they are wired up, whereas for many females there is more of a sense of opening up their hearts and being to another person, achieving social intimacy. For males, sexual fantasy ends to be genitally focused, for females it is often more romantic. For males it can be a constant pressure, for females it is greatly affected by the monthly oestrus cycle. For both, self-control is needed primarily in the mind.

In much of our western culture first sexual intercourse is a rite of passage, an initiation into a level of biological maturity. It has become the secular equivalent of Anglican (and other church) confirmation, though arguably more meaningful and memorable than it. It is a deliberate step of self-assertion and a statement aimed at peer affirmation of maturity - or at least of one aspect of it. In the UK at least many actively seek to lose their virginity by the age of about 16, and as with any marker of "coming of age" it is earnestly to be desired unless other values trump it. Avoiding it is often seen as distinctly oddball. Churches can provide a non-sexual alternative rite of passage in conscription to youth leadership in that peer context, where the prevalence of other values can indeed trump promiscuous intercourse.

Any young Christian may covet the freedom of sexual expression enjoyed by so many around us. But coveting is just what it is, desiring what is not (yet) properly ours. So this becomes a line which tests our obedience to our Lord. "Sin is a master illusionist, able to make God's holy, righteous and good commandments appear stifling, boring and hopelessly unsuited to modern living. The tenth commandment [regarding coveting] illustrates the process clearly."²⁰ It is scant consolation that sexual temptation is a bit different to much other temptation, in that it is not to do something wrong, but to do something wonderful, wholesome and proper - prematurely and/or out of context.

So for the time being saying 'no' and abstinence are proper exhortations - "True love waits" etc - but how can this be encouraged and assisted as something positive when many of those around us are freely indulging their sexual urges with one another? Why is it important? Chastity certainly doesn't come naturally, nor does it feel natural to most unmarried people. Many see it as totally archaic or incredibly heroic - deferred gratification runs counter to the spirit of our times. But we need to affirm - and be seen to affirm - many of the urges and the desire for intimacy as being proper and natural, and indeed good, while constraining the expression of them within a fuller or wiser understanding of sex and relationships. Meanwhile we need to direct that sexual energy so as to have a lot of fun at a social level while relationships develop and respect grows. Rather than allowing ourselves to become focused on the baser aspects of human sexuality, we need to pursue an upright life, integrity, day to day trust in God, love for all, the patient hope which keeps us going and the sturdy gentleness exhibited in Jesus. But this is always a struggle against all sorts of things which are more alluring for each of us."²¹

Our sexuality is most fully enjoyed when it is controlled, and contrary to stereotypes of repressed individuals, Christians should enjoy their sexuality to the absolute full, even if before marriage that must be within appropriate limits of behaviour. Certainly it can add spice to everyday relationships as well as to special ones - and that spice is to be savoured and enjoyed throughout life. Enjoyment of the hormonal buzz caused by attractive individuals is entirely proper, as is arousal and excitement on account of them if not given free rein. But just as neither gluttony nor fast foods express the best enjoyment of eating, so our expression of sexuality needs to restrained and appropriate to the occasion and the maturity of the relationship. It can only be fully expressed within marriage.

Even if we accept the constraint on our activity, to what extent and in what ways should we restrain our enjoyment of sexuality as unmarried people? In particular, what is this lust that we should avoid? - as distinct from appropriately enjoying some excitement and sexual distraction due to thoughts and even fantasies? It is usually not too difficult to sense what is inappropriate lust, but defining it is harder. "Intense or unbridled sexual desire" gets it pretty well, the intensity usually arising from uncontrolled or unbridled thoughts which take the imagination in the direction of sexual activity.^21b The bridle on a horse enables the rider to control its speed and direction, so the word is apt for sexual thoughts and imagination. The point here is that what goes on in our minds needs to be part of our self-control generally, so that we enjoy thoughts and sexual feelings but are not carried away by them.

One of the main biblical passages referring to lust is in the sermon on the mount (Matt 5:28), where Jesus says that looking at a person^21a lustfully amounts to committing adultery in the heart. Here lusy is evidently doing in the head and heart what might be done in bed with someone who is not rightly available, consummating an illicit relationship. It is breaking a marriage bond. This is a lot more than admiring any person's beauty and sexual attractiveness and getting a buzz out of that! Jesus is not stigmatising natural sexual attraction. Nor is he saying that we shouldn't have wholesome sexual desire for members of the opposite sex who are potential partners. But if we allow ourselves to indulge in adulterous lust (v 29-30), then strong action and maybe drastic sacrifice is needed to remove ourselves from sexual temptation and the propensity to indulge it.

But lust is not just adulterous! Other biblical references, and common sense, suggest that we should understand lust rather more widely than in this well-known sermon on the mount text, applying to adultery. An extended definition might be: Lust is a way of thinking about a person which objectifies their genital sexual aspect. It spawns a strong sexual urge or preoccupation focused on physical gratification, especially (for males) a self-indulgent desire to conquer or possess someone, however briefly, especially where that liaison is forbidden. Elaborating this: lust is distinct from love, which has a whole known person as object (not just their genital potential) and which essentially seeks their good; lust is largely physically-focused and self-indulgent, sometimes even disregarding the welfare of the object, and the fierce desire to conquer or possess is the motivator, for males at least. Lust can even disregard the welfare and wellbeing of the object. It is the antithesis of seeing someone as being in the image of God, which leads to personal respect and different moral choices than lust.

If there has been mental or physical indulgence in outworking lust, it may be hard to restrain, so there is intense temptation to let it go unrestrained and to be driven by pursuit of pleasure. (The same energy in the context of committed marital union would simply be passion, hopefully coupled with enduring love.) So lust control is a constant challenge for unmarried Christians, as part of self-control more widely.

Simply thinking sexual thoughts about someone is not necessarily lust, since that is how we are made. Nor does sexual arousal in the presence of an attractive person constitute lust. Wholesome sexual desire for members of the opposite sex is not wrong if it is under control. Avoiding having sexual attraction turning into lust is a matter of reasonable self-control. There is a whole spectrum of how we see members of the opposite sex, from psychological self-neutering through wholesome excitement to unbridled lust with its torrid fantasies. Each person needs to draw their own lines and boundaries between excitement and mild sexual arousal on the one hand and playing out genital fantasies in the mind on the other. We need to avoid the intense covetousness of lust with its powerful drive to mentally (and perhaps manually) indulge our fantasies, and decide where the brakes need to go on. Each of us is tempted differently and while male lust tends to be more blatant, males don't have a monopoly on it. With some practice of self-control, there can be an increasing distance between looking and lusting.

It needs to be said that Matthew 5:28 is commonly misunderstood and used to oppress young Christians. It is about marriage and what devalues that, saying in strong hyperbole that sin which cuts across the marriage bond is as much in the mind as in action. A high expectation of marital purity means that there is no moral difference between fantasising adultery and acting on that. It is not saying that sexual attractiveness and amorous desire in a courtship context is wrong or to be denied, nor is this said elsewhere in the Bible. The Song of Songs in the Old Testament indicates precisely the opposite - it would be hard to find more sexually-charged literature which did not descend into smut. Using the verse to suggest that young unmarried people should purge their minds of all sexual thoughts is unwarranted and perverse. However, that does not mean open slather for lust. Self-control is always needed. The principle that entertaining any sinful act in the mind is morally the same as doing it is radical and it applies in all areas of our lives.

One obvious way of managing our sexuality and which has considerable Christian support in the context of our promiscuous culture is to marry early, as the urges become strong. In the context of Paul's advice to the Corinthians²² for those bursting with sexual energy, hungering for intimacy of that kind and having a plausible partner, this makes sense. For some, early marriage is appropriate, but the possibility needs to be balanced against the question of one's social and vocational level of maturity. Some questions need pressing in this respect. If exhortation to marry early correctly represents Paul's advice to the Corinthians it needs to be balanced with that to the Thessalonians: each should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable²³ - while allowing all the other attributes which contribute to a successful marriage to develop. People are so different that it is impossible to generalize, either to say that sexual longing should lead to early marriage, or to say that everyone should wait at least till their mid 20s.

There is a stereotype of early marriage being rather hormone-driven, but if in reality that is the driver, then it's much better to suggest dealing with that as discussed elsewhere (eg 4.3) so that the more important romantic and social developments can proceed at their own pace, along with the vital feasibility study regarding long-term compatibility. As explained in the previous section, this exploration cannot sensibly be done in bed - in fact it would be using coital sex in somewhat the opposite way than it is intended.

The positive aspects of early marriage are that the two can grow together and shape one another from a more formative stage of life, they can look forward to sharing more years together and having less of an age difference with their children, and of course their sexual consummation removes a major part of the challenge of self control. The risk is that they may in fact grow apart as each matures, or that differences which are glossed over in immature enthusiasm make the marriage very difficult later. ^23a Later marriage, after the mid 20s and into the 30s, has the advantage that each is more mature in assessing others and in self-awareness, and better able to assess compatibility, probably arising out of experiencing several relationships. Also each may have accumulated life experiences which they bring to the marriage and to their progeny - ones which are more readily gained when unattached martially. The risk is that some of the most eligible partners may by then be spoken for, the unmarried Christian is more vulnerable sexually, and the challenge of lust control may prove too great.

Another aspect of early marriage, somewhat separate from the considerations of this chapter, is simply the question of being prepared early in life to take responsibility for another person. This may be coupled with an early sense of vocational responsibility, and is to be encouraged. However, it needs to be balanced with those other considerations and underlines the need to find out and do what is right for each person, rather than applying formulae.

Christians do need to keep very much in mind that sex as given by a loving and bountiful Creator has both bringing-together and procreative aspects. In our culture, up until a person is in his or her late 20s the latter is mostly disregarded (apart from attention to avoiding conception). A proper Christian view acknowledges both equally, even if procreation is deliberately delayed for some time after marriage, and then controlled. (A third aspect of sex - arising from the first - is that it is sacramental of the relationship between God and his church. An Anglican marriage liturgy has each partner affirming to the other that "with my body I worship you", ie. I will use it to treat you according to your worth in God's created order. This too lifts it well beyond the merely biological level.)

'One flesh' carries implications of mutual ownership^23b of complementary anatomy. This is the most physical aspect of the 'one flesh' relationship, and orgasm as a special delight points us to God's intention for us to enjoy it fully. It underlines the inappropriateness of sex where one simply borrows a body without belonging to that person. Articulating this here should not be taken to imply that this coitus is somehow as important as the day to day enjoyment of one another's company - it certainly isn't, but it is sacramental and constitutive of that, and hence very significant.

This mutuality in 'one flesh' is a beautiful, wondrous and rapturous part of the way God has made us when you think about it - we could just reproduce like most other mammals with cursory copulation when required for procreation, and it is a contrast with the tragedy of our culture's treating sex as mutual indulgence with some transient intimacy, fun but not proper fulfilment, self-focused pleasure rather than emphatic self-giving. The sex God invented is more wonderful, not less, than its contemporary manifestations outside of marriage.

If not going down the early marriage track, in what practical ways does a young Christian actually manage and enjoy his or her sexuality pending that marital consummation? Or for some, longer term? How is strength of self control actually encouraged and supported? Socialising energetically so as to minimise lonely time is one prime aspect. And at another level, to what extent is masturbation a properly enjoyable interim use of that apparatus, and a realistic pressure valve for sexual tension and desire, pending establishment of a life partnership? Or is that in fact just a deficiency in lust control? Masturbation is a universal issue for unmarried guys (though some decide to abstain) but it is is bewildering or incomprehensible for many girls. It is inevitably a bigger issue for Christians than for others and is addressed further in chapter 4, section 4.3 and in Appendix 2.

But effectively denying one's sexuality and repressing every sexual thought is not a proper or wholesome way forward. There is a spectrum between repression of every sexually-charged thought and mental indulgence of lust, and each person needs to work out where he or she should aim to be around the middle of it in the light of their own nature and conditioning. It is right and proper for our sexuality to be a significant feature of many kinds of relationships and bottling it up for years is not a healthy prelude to marriage. In the wide area between repression and indulgence there is scope for being excited by sexual encounter, getting a buzz out of social interaction and now and then guys being hot and hard in it all. There is also an appropriate place for occasional masturbation if lust is not the driver of it, but if this is fraught, then self control is the challenge and abstinence has a lot to be said for it. ^23c This addressed more fully in 4.3.

Some Christian guys seem to have been sitting on their sexuality so firmly and for so long that they have forgotten it exists. The idea of romantic interest in a girl is intimidating for them because of the sexual stirrings involved, and their restricted notion of sexual purity then works against establishing any relaxed relationship. So when they have the inclination to take a romantic interest in a girl the very idea of telling her in word or behaviour that they are attracted to her is absolutely daunting. Indeed, it may make the relationships discussed in the next section almost impossible or at the least, stilted and relatively joyless. In contrast, we want to affirm strongly that in all the time before marriage our sexuality should be enjoyed wholesomely and under control as we interact with people we find attractive. Some guidelines and limits are suggested in what follows. Self-control is certainly not the same as repression!

We live in a world where sexual imagery is exploited for commercial purposes, to attract attention to financial temptations and thus advance the cause of consumerism. This can create problems for Christians on the sexual, financial and materialist or hedonist fronts. Focusing here on the first, for those who have not developed an immunity to the allure of sexual imagery in advertising or in the way some people dress, it may be helpful to assert that "the first look is free," but after that the brakes go on. This is by way of accepting the fact that we have this material and these images in our faces every day and there is nothing we can do about that, but we can choose whether to keep on feeding the imagery into our minds or to bounce our eyes and thoughts elsewhere. This is most significant for guys, who are most readily stimulated visually, though the problem is not confined to them. Of course for many there can be an appreciation of the human body (even when displayed without inhibition) which does not lead to inappropriate trains of thought.

The desire for intimacy is basic to the sexual urge, and pending later marriage, we have already suggested that it can be substantially and adequately expressed within the context of fellowship rather than needing to be centered preeminently around genital activity. It is said that for many people today sexual activity is the only intimacy they experience and one might see the pursuit of sex amongst many people in their 20s as a tacit recognition of this. Our culture has consigned intimacy, along with much tenderness and touch - even the word 'love' - to the physical expression of a sexual relationship, or even sex outside a proper relationship. This underlines the extent to which the desire for intimacy - easily seen in our culture as inevitably meaning physical contact - is a driver in any sexually energised relationship.²⁴ (The urge for gratification comes into it too, but at a more biological level!) This is a disastrous warping of social expectations and hence one aspect of heading off the temptation to promiscuity among Christians needs to be through the quality of fellowship - see chapter 1 and also in 2.4.

Finally, we need to develop a wholesome way of talking about these wonderful and good things which balances modesty, frankness and humour, while avoiding salaciousness and smut.

2.2 Discussion questions:
How have you experienced the male-female differences working out in your experience and romantic relationships?
To what extent is first sexual intercourse a rite of passage among your friends? What difference did the transition make? Is there a Christian counterpart in your life?
Do your friends see chastity pending marriage (ie abstinence from coital intercourse) as totally archaic or incredibly heroic? How do you answer them, in word and lifestyle?
What do you find most challenging in controlling lust? What means have you developed for it?
Are you shaping up to be an early or a late marrier? Why?
Do you talk about masturbation reasonably openly with close friends? If not, why not?

2.3 Self-control and natural instincts

We need to have a clear grasp of the implications of sleeping around - pursuing promiscuous intimacy and indulging our sexual urges in the years between puberty and matrimony. This is putting pleasure and short-term gratification ahead of commitment, obedience and wisdom. The potential effects include:

• eroding the wholesomeness of the kind of long-term sexual relationships we are designed for,
• often a preoccupation with one aspect of the attractiveness of the opposite sex,
• for males especially, feeding an addiction to the physical orgasmic aspects of sex (which of course has a very positive aspect within a marriage relationship),
• the intensity of our desire for the pleasures of sex can seriously skew our judgements of a potential partner's true compatibility.

To some degree these effects apply also to sexual intimacy within a mature faithful (but uncommitted) relationship.

Conversely, we also need a clear view of the implications of a Christian waiting faithfully for their life partner, whom they will marry. This involves very unfashionable and counter-cultural abstinence from sexual intercourse while unmarried, and often great resolve and strength of character to fly in the face of our peers' expectations. However, the longer-term benefits in proper expression of our sexuality outweigh the difficulty of that discipline - very much so in relation to casual sex. Controlling the expression of our urges and channeling them into social activity is not the same as repression and denial of them.

The control and management of sexuality needs to be taught much more fully than it commonly is. As one young guy put it: "It's hard work for a teenager in our culture to abstain, so Christians need to give a strong reason for doing so. Beating around the bush is hardly going to inspire a horny and keen to be loved teenager to put the moral effort in to abstain and refuse! And remember it's not just about 'keeping your virginity' but about the place of all sexual expression, penetrative or not. Unless the special nature and uniqueness of all sexual expression is emphasised, young people simply won't see the point of resisting." Each Christian group or church must be active in encouraging, expounding and reaffirming these values of restraint and expectation of later fulfillment amongst its members, since they will receive precious little assistance outside it.

As in many things, temptation means that what is false, transient and worthless is much more attractive than the fullness of what God has designed.

But pending mariage, there are usually years of sexual yearning to a greater or lesser degree. In this time there is a range of ways we can react to young members of the opposite sex, from admiring them as attractive people through to lustful fantasies of sexual consummation with them. A normal controlled sexuality will mean that we spend time with them and enjoying an emotional buzz because of the hormones and sexual attraction, thinking about them intensely, and so on. There is much to explore and learn regarding the complementarity of the sexes in emotion and disposition. Certainly we can be open about our appreciation of good looks and lovely nature, focusing on making them feel good, not on what feels most stimulating for us. For guys, tthis means being a gentle-man, with inner strength and self control aided by God's Holy Spirit. Where does temptation come into this and require action? Principally it is in challenging one's self-control of what plays over in the mind - long before any actual opportunity to "get laid". (That opportunity of course would bring temptation to a much more intense level.)

So where does one draw the line in thought and behaviour? It will differ a bit from person to person, but certainly best before indulgence in lust or undue physical intimacy which gives away what we may later wish had been kept for our life partner. In particular a person's self-esteem is easily degraded if they are persuaded to give away what they have in this respect prematurely. Further comment about boundaries, both tactile and visual, is in chapter 3, section 3.5.

Lust control involves a conservative approach! On the other hand, drawing the line way back in the other direction so that we put up an emotional firewall may be "safe" but deprive one of the very proper pleasure of relationships between the sexes at a social level and the important learning from this. At the extreme it can amount to a denial of our sexuality and a sort of self-neutering repression leading to emotional and social disability. (This may be appropriate in the context of arranged marriages, but not in Western society.) The main principle is that sexual faithfulness to one's future spouse starts in the first romantic relationship we have, and must guide and constrain our behaviour right through as we grow into and enjoy perhaps a number of romantic relationships.

The male predisposition towards serial sexual conquests means that this attribute certainly needs to be controlled and directed into wholesome relationships, not denied or sat upon so that it is replaced by a fear of taking some initiative with women. For many guys, nothing compares with the pleasure of chatting up girls - bestowing and soliciting affection and erotic interaction. This is good, proper and delightful when it is controlled, which it often isn't in our society. It needs to avoid being merely recreational on the one hand, or leading girls on and conveying more than intended on the other. A lifestyle of serial sexual conquests is a macho misapplication of what is designed to be controlled and focused so that sex enriches another person rather then being dissipated among the herd. The predisposition needs be expressed wholesomely at a social level as part of the male design for initiative, and be managed in holy living.

We need to learn to live with the tension of our sexual natures, exercising enough self-control to avoid the torrid fantasies of lust or adultery in mind and heart - let alone more. In particular men need to be careful in controlling what they feast their eyes on, women more in what they think and emote about. Grappling with that delightful but sometimes harrowing tension rather than trying to avoid it will teach us much and prepare us for fuller relationships later. An American Christian university was reported as forbidding student couples to touch or even to look into one another's eyes, since the latter constituted "optical intercourse" or "making eye babies". While this kind of rulemaking is in one sense a bizarre joke, it sadly constitutes a reaction to promiscuity which may be as damaging and dehumanising as what it seeks to prevent.

But there is a sense of deprivation involved for the sexually eager single Christian, and it is accentuated by the spirit of this age - the "me, now" expectation. However, stepping back from this hot issue we can see that in fact there are many things that any human being cannot have, do, or attain - materially, vocationally and in experience. For Christians this sense of deprivation is in one sense greater since we are taught that the covetousness, greed and envy cultivated in our consumer society are sins, we delay sex till marriage, and don't approve gay sex, and so on. But in another sense these sinful or inappropriate desires often recede as the Holy Spirit progressively reworks our basic nature. So, a big NO to some things is neither unique to Christians nor a big deal in the wider scheme of things.

A practical measure is to be involved in ministry teams which will enable and necessitate a healthy mixing with members of the opposite sex in a controlled environment, where there is no pressure upon male or female to extend their relationship any further than simply getting to know each other and learning to relate to the opposite sex in a proper way as spiritual siblings, albeit often exciting ones. For males this is a great opportunity to learn some skills in being a gentle-man which can be very helpful throughout life. More particularly, it is a potentially rewarding opportunity to learn to relate to girls as a friend and not just an object of their sexual attention. For girls the relationship which is warm and friendly but less than romantic is correspondingly valuable.

It ought to be said that for guys, learning to act as gentle-men is a skill of the highest order - one that males should strive for in the way that they relate to all females. Open compliments of brotherly love and care are a good start and even 'old fashioned' gentlemanly behaviour such as opening doors and giving up seats for them are an important way to make a female feel the self-worth that they were created to have but which so many go without. This is regardless of whether there is any romantic interest. "I have been told by many female friends that for most females there is no substitute for being made to feel self worthy by a male who is acting out of brotherly love, rather than acting simply as a means to get to them," was one heartfelt comment on this. Men are more likely to be admired by prospective partners if they are perceived as self-controlled and courteous in their approach to women.

Correspondingly, women can encourage appropriate male behaviour by appreciating and affirming it, especially when it clearly goes against the baser instincts of the male! Articulating appreciation or even admiration does wonders for the male ego, without the need to overdo it. And often the female needs to gently but firmly control how far any physical expression of intimacy proceeds - despite what she too may desire, of course.

But when friendship does progress to romantic attraction and involvement most Christians understand that it is self-control rather than libertarian indulgence which makes us free.  In the course of struggling with that self-control we can find that weakness, failure, forgiveness and persistence tend to characterize this aspect of our lives as fallen people seeking to experience the richness of our created nature which is in God's image. Most of us experience some setbacks on the way. But the freedom which comes from self-control is edifying and dignifying in ways appropriate to children of the living God. And it helps us respect the dignity of others.

Our sexuality is meant to be exciting and energizing for us even at the social stage well before marriage. While there is much need for self control, the answer in this regard is not to shut down or shut off all feeling for others which is motivated by our sexuality, nor fail to appreciate the sexual attractiveness of others. We need to learn to express our appreciation of this attractiveness in word and action, with gentleness, self-control and love, and to enjoy the relationships which can develop. (See next chapter.)

If its nature in the particular social context is understood by all concerned, flirting can be a lot of fun and a very appropriate way of enjoying the sexual interaction with others. It can suitably and safely spice many a relationship right through life as a controlled expression of our sexuality. Good humour and clear mutual understanding of what it is and what it isn't is essential, otherwise it can be construed either as an offer or a threat, leading to hurt feelings and disappointment. The sexual innuendo and overtones need to be restrained and well under control. If it becomes serious or intense, in any sense more than a game, then immediately cool it. And if you are not interested in someone as more than a physical attraction then flirting is inappropriate.

2.3 Discussion questions:
How well is the control and management of sexuality taught in your Christian context?
What have you done to improve it?
How do you express appreciation of physical beauty so as to make the other person feel good and without coming across as lascivious?
Do you know people who have put up an emotional firewall to insulate themselves from temptation, but who have found that it deprives them of the very proper pleasure of relationships between the sexes at a social level? How can you help them?
What is your experience of guys feasting their eyes upon the female form? When is this appropriate, and when not?
Is it unrealistic to expect guys to act as gentle-men in social and romantic relationships with young women?
How can young women best encourage this? And affirm it?
What is your experience of flirting? Does it too readily go too far?

2.4 Fulfillment in marriage

The "one flesh" metaphor of Genesis 2 is surely one of the Bible's most vivid and wonderful expressions. It means that genital sexual activity involves great intimacy (obviously), uninhibitedness and privacy (by implication), and exclusiveness at that physical level, all in the context of belonging together. Sexual union is a 'sacrament' of marriage — it is a physical signifier which also enacts the loving union itself, most vividly in the procreation of new life. It needs exclusive and secure commitment to give it its full value, and to provide a suitable context for its emotional, spiritual and biological consequences. The exclusiveness of the sexual aspects of the marriage relationship means that the couple and their home can be generously inclusive at a social level (cf Hospitality chapter 7).

Sexual intercourse is all about communicating total mutual belonging. If one is not totally committed to one's lover for life, sex will tend to be an indulgence rather than a sacrament, hence less than it is meant to be. Sex that is less than the total self-giving of marriage is eroding the potential for its full enjoyment over many years. Within a marriage it's important to have lots of coital sex, not simply for the pleasure of it, but because it expresses the nature of the one-flesh marital relationship. St Paul urged the same: "Do not deprive each other É.." - even before reliable contraception was available. And in terms of neuroscience or brain chemistry, orgasm helps us bond to our sexual partner, so the more the better in marriage.

The whole practice of premarital chastity - setting sexual intercourse uniquely within marriage - is so countercultural that it requires the support of the Christian community both before and during marriage. This is vital. We need one another to be able to talk frankly of the challenges of chaste pre-marriage relationships, to encourage and perhaps gently rebuke one another and to affirm our life together as disciples whether single, attached or married.

This communal aspect applies to the marriage relationship as well as the preceding 'exclusive' stages. We exist within our Christian community of some kind, and we must remain connected with it through our romantic progression - especially for a few reality checks - and in marriage. So too we will normally remain connected with our respective human families. The members of both family and wider community have a responsibility to care for and nurture one another, with implications of limiting the privacy (but not the exclusiveness or unique intimacy) of marriage. To put it another way, being in a steady relationship or actually married does not and must not be allowed to isolate a couple from the rich mutual interactions and responsibilities of the wider community, this being in both directions. It is important to involve others - including single brethren - as a relationship proceeds towards permanent commitment. Other relationships are normally a significant part of life and may be emotionally intimate without competing with the marriage, contrary to some romantic depictions.

In our culture, marriage is often accompanied by mental reservations which mean that it is no more than a short-term relationship dignified by a (reversible) legal procedure, rather than a committed long-term partnership. This has implications for the unmarried lifestyle, where bed is so often a central feature of the male-female relationship before marriage. Sexual intercourse is addictive,^24a perhaps more physically for males and more emotionally for females, and designed to be so as part of the glue of marriage. Once hooked as an unmarried person, it becomes an inexorable part of one's evaluation of the opposite sex - we have all seen guys with their brains apparently in their scrotum! It is difficult, perhaps impossible, to avoid such distraction in that situation and it certainly skews the evaluation away from anything rational. To put it another way, it is much easier to hang out and sleep with a sexy partner than to gain the attention and affection of the sort of person who will make a suitable life partner - one who delights you over many years with their character and inner beauty. It would be fair to say that all of us are much more easily able to enjoy sleeping with a range of different people than living with them pleasurably for decades. It follows that we need to focus on finding a partner who is a joy for life, and that any genital explorations are most unlikely to assist that search. Rather they will readily detract from it.

The experience of a number of Christians in their 20s is that any premarital intercourse sets one back at least a year in the romantic exploration/courtship stakes, depending on personal sensitivity. It is likely to take at least that long to sort out the emotional disquiet or even turmoil, to dissolve the inadvertent glue at that emotional level if it is not an isolated incident, to be assured that God's forgiveness cancels guilt, to lift one's thoughts largely back above the navel, and to get back on course socially and spiritually. (This is not everyone's experience - cultural conditioning may mean that a premarital fling or more is no big deal, both emotions and conscience having become desensitised. Or the values of the peer group may simply remain stronger than those of the gospel.)

A similar time frame is needed for those who change from a lifestyle of sleeping around to get on course in seeking a fuller expression of sex in the course of embarking upon discipleship. Repentance and forgiveness is one thing, sorting out any mess and repairing our attitudes is another, though it flows from the forgiveness. Spiritual convalescence is slow, but sure. For those who come to faith in student years or later, virginity will often be just a distant memory of innocence. The issue then becomes how to reinstate sex to its proper and designed place in the future scheme of things, and meanwhile express and enjoy one's sexuality within godly constraints.²⁵ It may be important to note that this situation need be no handicap to fullness of life in Christ nor to future sexual fulfillment. We must never slip into thinking that sexual indiscretions necessarily create a lifetime stigma, as is the case in an Islamic context, or even a short-term one in the Christian fellowship. They absolutely do not, if a person is prepared to accept God's forgiveness and leave former behaviour behind. God's grace is overwhelmingly greater than any shortcoming or past folly on our part.^25a Bad experiences can be overwritten in the course of considerate progress towards a full Christian one flesh relationship.

Sexual temptation is an area where we all run the risk of slipping up, and it provides a source of huge guilt and regret for many Christian young people. However, we need to remember that, if we come to our senses and truly repent, there is complete forgiveness in Christ, just as much as in other areas of our lives. God's grace transcends our failures, and this needs affirming pastorally. While past failures will always have some influence, the past must never be allowed to control the present. We need to be able to forget the former and focus on the future. The past can and should be put behind.

While forgiveness and healing is possible, we do need to remain aware that premarital intercourse - whether recreational or in a faithful relationship - will tend to devalue the currency and weaken that glue which helps keep a marriage together. When the heat then comes on later - as it normally will during a marriage - adultery doesn't seem such a bad idea, and the defences against it are likely to be weaker. This underlines the need for Christians to avoid it.^25b

But if, in your endeavours to save your sexual consummation for that special person, you lapse, just don't let that become part of your lifestyle, but get back on track and focus on the social interaction which will both develop your skills in that and help you discern the kind of person you want to spend most of your life with. It's in talking, laughing, eating, recreating, perhaps studying together that you make that judgment most reliably. Coital sex will not add usefully to all that, and at the feasibility stage of a relationship it is simply a big distraction.

In an ongoing relationship, what coital sex does is to make you less rational about the relationship, whereas pre-marriage, what you desperately need is to be more rational. (Within marriage, one role of coital sex is to be able to push aside disagreements and tensions and celebrate the one flesh reality despite those, hence to be decidedly less rational!)

(Adultery is a strange temptation, especially for males. One can have a wonderful, indeed ideal, spouse and yet be seized with this crazy desire to go off and sexually conquer someone else. Beyond the simple self-centredness of sin, it probably arises both from our biological heritage and the evil one's agenda to destroy marriages, especially Christian ones. For girls there is the deep-felt need to feel special in the eyes of a partner, and if this is lacking then other possibilities beckon. But it is hard to think of any circumstance in which a person could indulge in extra-marital sexual activity without doing significant damage, both short- and long-term, to many people, not least to themselves. It is worth noting the powerful role of vanity in driving such thoughts of sexual adventure for males, through fantasies of how positively we may be perceived by the other party — a primal desire to be widely desirable! - also perhaps wildly desirable! Other things besides mere sexual lust may drive it for others. But recourse to an accountability partner is an important counter to the temptation.)

Reports of recent social research suggest that many professional women in UK cannot be bothered with sexual intercourse and when wanting to conceive prefer (at significant personal financial cost) to arrange an IVF procedure which fits in with their diary commitments. Also it is reported that over half of UK married women find sex boring. While there will no doubt be different causes for this, one could ask whether we are moving towards a situation where sexual intercourse has sometimes been made so ordinary and boring by its premature enjoyment outside of committed relationships that Christians will be the main ones enjoying it excitedly and wholesomely as a significant feature of fulfilled marriage - as designed by a bountiful creator? What an irony if God has made sex so pleasurable that we humans have managed through premature indulgence to make it boring and tedious where it should be most meaningful and fulfilling!

Though arguably everybody is equipped with a sort of inbuilt guidance system which leads towards a likely one-flesh union with a life partner, in some there is a bit of a short circuit and other options beckon. In fact, for a variety of reasons, marriage is not for everyone. Those who remain single out of conviction or circumstance should not feel that they are thereby mortally deprived, or have failed. In fact the single state opens up particular possibilities for deploying love, time and energy in the context of which God's blessing may be anticipated. Instead of focusing their relationship energy and attention on their life partner (actual or prospective) they can and generally should spread their affections more widely, and expect to find rich blessing in so doing.

Long-term singles need to be included and appreciated in churches which tend to become preoccupied with young families. For some, singleness is their very appropriate long-term calling, and the church needs to accept and affirm that, without at all stigmatising celibate singleness. However, in some church communities the social interaction between the sexes is so inhibited that some singleness must surely result just from that, and so raises questions about the proper functioning of the corporate body. This issue is addressed in the next section.

But before proceeding we must make clear our conviction that marriage is the default, not singleness. Individuals may certainly be called to the single state, or may be left thus due to overwhelming circumstance. No-one should need to be called to marriage, except in the very important sense of finding a suitable partner. That's the way we have all been designed physically, and (the vast majority of us) emotionally. We need to proceed with the assumption that we will find a congenial partner with whom to enjoy a lifelong one-flesh relationship, if we apply some common sense and socialise beyond our girly or blokey clique. This is despite any temporary ambivalence in teenage or early adult years.

As an aside, in the Old Testament, the sexual energy of many of the lead players and the way this is expressed with multiple partners but in the context of faithful discipleship is remarkable. For instance Jacob/Israel has two wives bearing eight sons, two maidservants bearing four more, then concubines' kids in addition. David needs little comment! With New Testament constraints applying to us, does this mean that God expects his male disciples today to be sexual wimps, or simply to focus better and spare our single partners the enormous physical burden of multiple motherhood? For most of us, this means using the contraceptive options we now have, notably the pill and in due course, vasectomy.

2.4 Discussion questions:
Do you agree that public cohabitation is the same as marriage? Why, or why not?
What do you understand as being the sacramental nature of sex in marriage?
In what ways is a marriage relationship communal rather than insular?
Do you have any major lifestyle challenges in contemplating marriage in the future?
If marriage is the default in God's purposes, how would you expect a person to be guided to remain single?
Do you have homophile friends who are Christian? How do you support them? And how do they enrich you in open fellowship?

2.5 Pornography and other practical matters

Prayer needs to undergird our approach to managing our sexuality, as in other things we struggle with. It is important to recognise that the process of conscious sexual management can often exacerbate temptations rather than providing immediate relief from them, which is all the more reason to have others closely supporting us in prayer at our points of vulnerability in sexual matters. Giving a prayer partner the responsibility for praying about a persistent temptation we face can be enormously liberating. Also, while we do need to seek God's strength to enable us to go with convictions rather than simply instincts, this is not a panacea, wondrously removing all weakness and temptation. For all that, we can be confident that as we wrestle with temptations which we might prefer to be spared altogether, God will not allow us to be overwhelmed - though many find it a constant battle.

For some, most obviously males, intimate same-sex friendships (cf 1.1) are very important, both before the marital stage of life and often as complementary to the marital bond. In subtle but important respects (beyond the obvious) they contrast with sexual intimacy. Anyone who runs away from such intimate same-sex relationships for fear of being seen as bit queer is seriously deprived, as well as confused (unless, of course, there is a clear homophile sexual orientation - see box in previous section).

We all need to avoid encouraging or entertaining thoughts which can readily evolve into unwholesome lust and torrid sexual fantasies. Lust control means that it's really important to avoid developing any kind of an addiction to porn. This means that flirting with pornography is a distinct health hazard both socially and spiritually, and Christians should avoid internet porn sites like the plague. Innocent curiosity quickly gives way to prurience. Pornography provides an emotional high which quickly becomes addictive and steadily erodes a person's ability to enjoy real personal relationships which have sexual dimensions. It provides a ready fix for guys' testosterone fantasies and sets a pattern for the experience and expression of our sexuality which finally leaves us empty. It exacerbates guys' tendency to separate sex from relationships. There is no resulting deep connection with another real person, the psychological bonding which is basic to sex. Romance is displaced by voyeurism or lust. Individuals underestimate the power of all that at their peril.

Apart from the voyeurism, pornography normalises what are sometimes inappropriate expressions of sex and it conditions the viewer to think that way, which erodes self-control and will certainly not help achieve self-disciplined behaviour. In teenage years porn can seriously derail the process of growing up emotionally. At any age it steadily erodes the ability to enjoy normal personal relationships in their sexual dimensions, since any porn is devoid of meaningful intimacy or affection.

Porn focuses on physical gratification, the mechanisation of sex stripped of its excitement and mystery. It inevitably increases the prevalence of any guy's mental distractions which are genitally related and fuels the desire for masturbation, so that on top of the emotional buzz, sex becomes self-gratification. It is not so much the exploration of one with another, but issues in an act of relief. Women are seen as largely the means of self-gratification, even mere objects. We come to view sexually attractive people as potential means to get what we want rather than as relational humans. It also weakens the commitment to boundaries in behaviour with the opposite sex. In all respects it pushes us into an unreality regarding God's wonderful gift, and simply depraves us.

There is a vicious cycle of seduction and shame haunting too many Christians. The after-effects of porn sessions can leave us feeing shamed, degraded and worthless, especially if the porn is being used as an analgesic for relationship or other problems which need confronting properly. It can become a cycle where we resolve to stay clear of porn but quickly get drawn back to it - a sort of seduction. Our guilt and shame then make us reluctant to return to God because we have so frequently failed in our resolve and feel so unworthy of his presence and forgiveness. As addiction to porn increases, spiritual life atrophies and we rationalise the addiction, quelling our conscience. Porn is sugar-coated poison!

There is an analogy to alcoholic or any other addiction - while we are still in this fallen world the tendency "to go there" will always be with us, as with all sinning in general. In grappling with this shame cycle we need to recognise (or have reinforced) the truth that complete "victory" over the sinful tendency can never be expected this side of eternity. The incredibly frustrating battle between our (addicted) sinful nature and the good (victory) we desire - Rom 7:18-23, is of course evidence of our need for Christ. So perhaps to this extent, rather than bind us to shame, should our situation not spur us to praise? (Rom 7:24-25) But while victory over the sinful tendency may be elusive, acting it out can at the very least be actively constrained, and ought to be stopped outright at all costs.

The internet is the chief means of access to pornography today, which means that any Christians who have any weakness at all in this respect need to take some practical precautions. These might include using their computer only in a public place (not the bedroom), installing accountability software which will notify nominated others if you access a porn site, and certainly making sure that normal accountability partners ask the hard questions, not be soft and tactful on the matter! (See also section 4.2.)

Any addiction or even flirting with pornography needs to be confronted vigorously and in open fellowship with others who know the same temptation. Accountability partners are a first line of support, and older Christian friends such as a youth pastor an important second one. It needs to be brought into the light and confronted with determination. A 30-day course in that is The Fight, published in Australia by Roundabout Ministries as booklet and DVD. It is sensibly based in scripture, with credible testimonies, and is recommended. However, it is pitched for teenagers more than young adults. But wherever in life you are, if porn is a problem, confront it with determination and with all the help you can get.

Young Christians who travel, whether gap year, backpacking or on business, sometimes find particular difficulty in standing by the principles which they find more or less attainable at home. Moving away from the home circle of family, friends and church with their expectations and a degree of inherent transparency due to being known, and into a more anonymous situation - perhaps largely in a hotel room - means that a very different set of standards in relation to casual sex and/or pornography can be alluring. Lust control can seem less important. These temptations can be a formidable challenge, and if so, must be met with all the support available - especially prayer and accountability partners. If this is insufficient, some radical changes may be needed to avoid the temptation altogether (cf Matt 5:29-30: if your eye or hand - or business or recreational arrangement - causes you to sin, gouge it out or cut it off and discard it). A Christian life cannot accommodate double standards, because fundamentally it is lived before the Lord. (See also Witness, chapter 9.)

In regard to sexual temptation we need to be careful how we react to the apparent failings in others, and avoid double standards in that sense too. It is all too common for us barely to notice the corrosive sins of selfishness, pride, self-righteousness, greed and envy for instance, but work ourselves up into a lather of gossip and condemnation if someone's lapse is sexual. A good mirror may help!

The application of all this to those Christians of settled homophile orientation²⁶ requires comment. The prospective relationship outcomes are quite different. Distinctly homophile Christians can expect to be as richly blessed in relationships as anyone else, but not in the same fashion, nor in line with the aspirations of gay activists. See box on Sexual Orientation, and the subject is addressed more thoroughly in Appendix 3. We suggest that homophile orientation may be best seen as something akin to a gift - requiring care, self-discipline, support and persistence for its proper deployment in the context of God's purposes and in the fellowship of the church. The warm fellowship of the church is vital, and homophile Christians can be expected to rely more on this than most, as well as investing more in it.

Two final comments: where would we be without a sense of humour regarding sex? Of course all of the above considerations are serious and we need to take them seriously, but we also need to lighten up and sometimes see sex as hilarious! That will bring us closer to being profoundly grateful to God for making it all so wonderful than will solemn and earnest preoccupation with its details. A sense of humour will also give us a better perspective on our own situation, and we will more readily see the ridiculous nature of some temptations, which can thereby be disarmed! And a wholesome sense of humour applied to sexual matters can be a good witness as a contrast to dirty jokes.

We must not lose sight of the eternal context. In the Bible sin is often categorized as disobedience and in these matters where feelings are intense there is much potential for that. The call to faith is a call to obedience to our Lord, not to willfulness or autonomy. However unfashionable it may be to say so, our behaviour in sexual matters as elsewhere comes under the judgment of a holy God, and bending the rules or ignoring his clear standards must have consequences. Forgiveness requires repentance and change.

Many of us have a time in our lives when we have great difficulty integrating head, heart and hormones. That's fairly normal, but we need to press on through it, deal with our inevitable mistakes, and go forward with greater wisdom and faithfulness.

2,5 Discussion questions:
Do you pray about personal sexual temptation, or do you delegate that?
Has porn ever been a problem for you? How have you fought it? How do you avoid it?
What other challenges have you experienced in lust control?
Do you have friends hooked on porn? How can you interact with them helpfully?
How do you use humour in relation to sex? Does it give you a better perspective on sexual temptation in yourself and others?