1. Fellowship in discipleship

• Many of us experience very little of the potential in Christian fellowship.
• The years before marriage are often the best time to establish rich relationships.
• Accountability partnerships with prayer are a great means of blessing and source of strength.
• Task-oriented fellowship has an important place.

We find our deepest fulfilment in relationships with others. This chapter talks about relationships with fellow Christians in the community of faith, the next two about sexual relationships (especially before they are consummated). Both are relevant to our understanding of human relationships with God. All kinds of relationships have some potential for intimacy, which is a deep human need.

Whatever our experience of human families - and that will be very diverse - our relationship with Christ brings us into new relationships with others of his people. We can ignore that fact, going on as if our human family and friends provided the full experience we can enjoy, or we can also embrace the new possibilities within the new family of others who have oriented their lives similarly. In fact trying to do the first would be denying our role as disciples of Christ, because we do belong to one another and there is no place for private faith which effectively denies this.

Growing in spiritual maturity requires interaction with other people, not just prayer and bible study. Growing the ability to love needs not theory but practice! Relationships are essential, and those with fellow disciples are primary.

Today, due to how our western culture has evolved, all this is not straightforward. The issue is well expressed by Professor John Wyatt in a 2010 interview:
"I think there is a whole theology of friendship that, to a large extent, we've lost in the modern world. We don't understand friendship, don't see it as important - we don't value it. In the secular world we've collapsed the distinction between friendship and genital sexual relationships. To modern people, two people of the same gender who are very close friends are thought probably to be gay. The only way we can understand a close friendship is sexually. And yet in biblical thinking it seems to be that those two kinds of relationships are completely different. So there's a sexual relationship that is heterosexual, unique, lifelong, and exclusive, and then there's friendship, which is equally important but different. It is non-sexual, but intimate and open and vulnerable and committed.

"I have been very fortunate in having just a small number of those kinds of friendships which have been a wonderful experience of intimacy, of openness, of sharing and of mutual vulnerability. That kind of friendship has to be nurtured and is a precious thing. One of the things I always say to medical students and junior doctors is that now is the time to develop the friendships that will last a lifetime, and which are going to be a foundation and a resource. There's a wonderful thing that Bernard of Clairvaux said: that Christ himself 'kisses us' through the love of our friends."

This kind of friendship is also the experience of both authors of this book.

1.1 A new family

Of course the new relationships with other Christians are because the basis of life itself is changed if we are in relationship with Christ. We share the same spiritual DNA. So we need to learn to live out the new quality of life and to do so in joyful interaction with others who are in the same boat. It is not simply a question of adopting new standards (though we do), or a new world view. It is a matter of authentically expressing the changed nature within due to God's progressive action through his Holy Spirit, and resisting the inevitable pull to settle for something less.

So, if none of us is alone in God's family, how we relate to other Christians - called in some sense out of the world, yet remaining active in it - is important, because we have so much in common with them, being each called to obedience to the same Lord. The way we relate also says much about our spiritual health. We cannot expect actually to feel close to all our diverse spiritual brethren whom we encounter, in practice relationships will develop to varying degrees. However all our relationships with other Christians are enhanced by a sense of belonging together, praying on a common basis, steering by the same compass and setting priorities on the same basis.

Most of us barely begin to buy in to the potential richness and opportunities of Christian fellowship. We often do not trust the reality of that familial relationship with other Christians enough to drop our guard and be open, tender and vulnerable with even one or two others on that basis. But the way we love one another is supposed to show the reality of our lives in Christ. Jesus' disciples are called to love one another. That doesn't just (or even necessarily) mean having warm affection and admiration, it means joyfully taking responsibility for one another's wellbeing. Actively, like the Samaritan guy. Also we need to be open to being loved thus, not merely liked! The Lord's admonition in Matt 6:19-21 to "store up for yourselves treasures in heaven" has a prime application in investing in Christian fellowship relationships.

Two intimations of the reality beyond this world are love and sex. Love is irrational and expresses or represents a quality of experience which is characteristic of the other world, of God's kingdom. The exercise of unconditional love is fundamental to our humanity, and to our discipleship. Sex is even more beyond the rational objective and utilitarian reality of this world, consummating particular love with incredible intimacy. We expand on that in chapter 2.

St Paul encourages us in Philippians 2:5-11 to be like Christ in our attitude to others. This is increasingly radical in a world where the most newsworthy individuals are often assertive, self-serving and power-hungry. These if given free rein are what will cause society to implode. But we are free and enabled to be different, in love and service!

While not unique to Christian fellowship, there is opportunity for meaningful intimacy with individuals and this should be developed with one or a few. Apart from the intrinsic joy and benefit, that will help us avoid loading all our needs for intimacy on to sexual relationships, as is common in our surrounding culture (and which is a major driver of sexual promiscuity). While the desire for intimacy is properly an important aspect of sexual relationships, we should not downplay the potential and need for meaningful non-physical intimacy outside of such.

There are some biblical examples of apparently very close friendhips, both peer-level and intergenerational: David and Jonathan ¹, Eli and Samuel, Paul and Timothy.

Many people enjoy intimate same-sex friendships something like that of David and Jonathan, though they would hesitate to use the "L" word of them for fear of being misunderstood. CS Lewis in The Four Loves called these simply 'Friendships', which in contemporary parlance and without any adjective rather understates their significance. Lewis spoke of the "naked personalities" among two or three in such relationships and the sense of grace engendered by the love that is expressed. For him, such relationships are a foretaste of heaven (whereas other loving relationships - familial, marital - are symbolic of God's love, not directly expressing it). In a specifically Christian discipleship context such close relationships have special meaning. But even here they can be misrepresented - by those who have not experienced them - as being somehow inappropriate. See also Section 1.4 on intimacy on close friendships.

Much Christian fellowship however is not at this level. And at the other extreme, often churches can devalue the Christian notion of fellowship by using that word for many activities which, although maybe valuable socially, do not enhance the sense of mutual belonging to a Lord who is the focus of each person's life. Christian fellowship is not simply socialising, though relaxing with friends is an important activity for anyone. It needs to be an authentic expression of family commitment.

One expression of fellowship within the church is often devalued by familiarity with it as ritual or simply part of the worship process. That expression is celebrating the Lord's Supper, an expression of communion whether at the large church or small group level. We can invest it with more symbolic meaning of our shared status in God's new family than we usually do.

There is much scope to improve and flesh out relationships with brethren in the family of God and to give expression to this new life we share together. John's first letter in the New Testament is germane on the need to love one another, and perhaps we should see it more strongly as a challenge to action. 'We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers and sisters' ^1a. And Peter underlines this further - "have genuine mutual love / sincere love for your brothers and sisters², love one another deeply, from the heart."³ This love involves much more than reclusive sharing of restricted comfort zones in a social ghetto, or emotional indulgence giving us a warm and congenial glow inside. It involves constancy and reliability, and should mean that we venture to serve one another in love, with respect and vigour.

Serving one another is in recognition that we are all very different, and yet bound together in this new wide family. We need to learn to rejoice in the diversity of gifts that we have and progressively understand how these do in fact work together. We need to be unified but not uniform. The Bible uses the body metaphor, with each person being a vital organ of a living body, a necessary and complementary member (arm, toe, eye or whatever) connected organically to the others. This in fact gives us the English word membership, thought at has largely lost the fullness of its meaning.

Serving one another is in recognition that we are all very different, and yet bound together in this new wide family. We need to learn to rejoice in the diversity of gifts that we have and progressively understand how these do in fact work together. We need to be unified but not uniform.

CS Lewis in The Four Loves helpfully shows how the Greek word agapé puts a self-sacrificing overlay on several kinds of love, from congenial companionship, through deep friendship discussed above, to eros - the emotionally intense love which hugely esteems the other person. If we think and act in love we are likely to find that our feelings follow - love in this sense is not primarily or mainly a feeling, but a willing action.

Also we should learn to see the image of God in others and relate to them accordingly. The corollary of this is that we can enjoy a healthy sense of self as loved by God.

Openness and sharing are essential in this, but they are only a beginning. Without dumping huge loads of intimacy on those who would not appreciate it, especially younger or weaker brethren, we do need to be open and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to a greater extent than is common outside the family context or most Christian contexts. Especially this is so in same-sex friendships, and while women are usually are more readily open with one another in close friendships, it is just as important for men. An apt translation^3a of Galatians 6:2 is "Share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ." However, over-sharing is always possible, and we need to exercise some common sense and discernment in any relationship to avoid creating discomfort.

Trust is important in any relationship, and we need to note that it does involve some critical evaluation of a person - it is not the same as credulousness, nor should it be gullible, but it relies on some confidence in their integrity and character.

While openness is essentially reciprocal, depending very much on trust, we should seek out those who may benefit from our love and service. These people will probably be ones with whom we have some natural point of contact and we can make a special point of investing effort and time in those particular relationships. We need to take time to win the right to get close, to be invited into others' comfort zones, notably in relationships where romantic agendas are not an issue and so don't intrude. Such fellowship should be part of the church's promotion of a healthy masculinity/femininity where Christians can own and be honest about their emotions and be respected regardless, but without developing undue emotional dependency. For guys especially, this openness is not common outside Christian fellowship, but it needs to be valued and encouraged within it.

Much of this sharing does need to be face to face so that body language is part of the emotional connection. Phone and e-mail rank in order behind this, but are much better than lapsed connection.

Small group structures within the church are often a locus of such expression of fellowship, and the community aspect of these is for most people a vital aspect of church life and sharing their journey as disciples. For many, such small groups can be very important in encouraging open relationships beyond the selected few. With younger singles - and certainly teenagers - there is a lot of benefit in having these as single sex groups to encourage greater frankness and openness.

For those who have benefited from such small group ministry themselves there is usually the opportunity to lead younger people - particularly same sex adolescents - and pass on the benefit in ministry. We each should look for opportunities to reach out in contact and prayer support for younger individuals, perhaps in youth group, high school or university contexts and churches need to actively create such opportunities. Actually doing this effectively encourages others to extend and open themselves similarly. Our experience and observation makes it clear that this is a greatly rewarding experience, especially at late teenage level and it often marks the attainment of a level of spiritual adulthood. In fact the motivation and exercise of such ministry, both in the structures of the church (youth group etc) and informally, is very valuable leadership training for many young Christians and confers significant advantage in subsequent years.

Active encouragement is the key here, but we need to note that some conditions of low morale and self esteem need a bit more than increased attention. If someone is seriously depressed it is important that they get medical help to address the biochemical component of that. Christian friends can help a lot just by being with them and giving both time and gentle encouragement, without attempting amateur psychology.

1.1 Discussion questions:
What would you say are the main similarities and differences between your home family relationships and your Christian family relationships?
What do you think forms the "spiritual DNA" of the Christian family?
How do you avoid letting the Christian fellowship occupy all your time outside work and other immovable commitments?
In what respects are you most challenged in expressing love for other Christians?
What opportunities are there for you to actively encourage younger Christians?

1.2 Prayer, encouragement and serving one another

In all maturing fellowship relationships there will be service in prayer support, seeking opportunities to encourage and support one another in other ways, and the desire for moral excellence in the other individuals. In this connection we need to commend and model positive values so that we help one another to move forward in growing relationship with God and to expand the horizons of vocation and ministry.

At least some of this needs to be on same-sex basis. As well as encouraging and affirming younger people there needs to be modeling of mature manhood and being a woman in life. Also having time with older men and women respectively provides opportunity to discuss and process issues which are not as readily opened up with members of the opposite sex.

By every means we should encourage one another in going forward. This should not be desultory or simply occasional, when convenient, but active and constant - a daily preoccupation.⁴ Towards younger brethren this may often mean pushing to keep options open and empowering them for future opportunities and possibilities, the fellowship here taking on mentoring characteristics. Every exercise of proactive fellowship will remind us that it is indeed more blessed to give than receive and should be an expression of God's grace.

As we submit to one another, or are subject to one another, out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21), we enjoy the counterintuitive richness of the Kingdom of God. This submission is a deliberate reversal of a major aspect of our fallen nature - the desire to control others. It means that we aim to develop the other person, not to better ourselves. This readily becomes a feature of leadership which is humble and motivated by a real love for those led. Servant leadership is not unique to the Christian context, but it does stand in marked contrast with ego-driven leadership which is motivated by status and power. The challenge is for us to love people without having the expectation that they will always be lovable, and serve them regardless.

A servant attitude needs to be developed through practice, both towards individuals, in the church, and more widely. It needs to start in small things, seizing opportunities as they present. It needs to be practical, not largely just a warm glow within, and characterized by faithfulness, reliability, and finishing what we start. It should also express a vulnerability which, like St Paul, is frank about our weakness and dependence on God's grace.

Developing this attitude of service and submission perhaps presents a particular challenge to men. But if the challenge is greater so perhaps are the opportunities and the rewards more significant. It was pointed out at an All Souls Church men's weekend that in our dominant culture over the last centuries males have been cast in the role of provider, protector and procreator. However now there is a real need for men to develop a culture of intimacy amongst themselves. For women this usually happens more readily, but men have the same need to share, in a secure context. Vulnerability and genuineness are better than fickle friendship - commitment and loyalty are basic.⁵ Male mentoring is often found to be tremendously valuable and effective, possibly because it needs to be a deliberate commitment both ways rather than implying independence in the one mentored, or protégé.

Developing and expressing sympathy and empathy are basic to real fellowship. This means understanding and entering into others' feelings and situations, maybe sharing them, then bearing them up in love and encouragement. It means a focus on feelings rather than facts initially at least. The aphorism that "people don't care what you know until they know that you care" is very true.

But for all of us, developing relationships involving some real intimacy is vital because we do in fact belong to one another in fellowship and need to express this meaningfully. One outcome of learning to do so is that we will not be as likely to pursue undue physical intimacy as substitute in romantic relationships for emotional intimacy - one of the ways in which these are debased in modern permissive culture.

Sometimes it may be appropriate in close relationships to have some form of symbolism to emphasise their reality and nature. We have referred to the need to make more of celebrating the Lord's Supper and beyond that, following Jesus' example, perhaps washing one another's feet to symbolise the servant dimension of Christian fellowship can be a kind of private sacrament of friendship. Even more so it may be appropriate in a committed mentor relationship, to counterbalance the natural tendency for the mentor to be seen as something of a guru rather than as servant. Laying on of hands is another symbolic way to express identification and solidarity in special situations.

Though not suited to everybody, let alone every situation or relationship, where it is appropriate and acceptable something like these can be an extension to prayers of committed support and an encouragement. It an also help to express the character of a bond. But of course, it is far more important actually to take opportunities for even menial service of one another, which is the genuine expression of that servant task rather than just symbolism⁶. It is all too easy for symbolism to displace or replace what it is supposed to represent.

Sometimes we need to exercise the freedom to show our feelings, to be demonstrative on a more everyday basis, for instance with hugging as a greeting. This is much more a feature of today's young generation than older generations, and can often be correlated with a real culture of love, care and support in specific organisational settings. It is also true of other, eg Latin, cultures⁷. But how much more appropriate for Christians? Having said that, everyone has a different sense of personal space, and some have a fairly restricted emotional comfort zone for all sorts of reasons. For some people, hugging anyone outside the very near and dear is uncomfortable. Indiscriminate demonstration of affection or presumed intimacy outside established relationships is generally quite offensive. All this must be borne in mind when expressing affection, while perhaps being prepared to err a little on the warm side. Western culture has arguably downplayed the human need for touch in relationships, and actually stigmatised it many situations.

As Christians we need to walk in the truth, and cultivate honesty in our relationships rather than flattery, fawning or merely superficial jocularity. Friendship is based on listening - listening conveys love, especially as it flows on to engagement in earnest conversation or helpfulness and service in other ways. A corollary of this is care with confidentiality, especially regarding shared prayer points.

Overall we need to be affirming and appreciating one another explicitly as part of God's creation and part of his church, demonstrating integrity in open relationships. In our individual circle of contacts, how many people could say that we have expressed love and appreciation to them in word or deed over recent weeks? St Paul emphasized one aspect of this in saying "in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" in the fellowship of Christ.⁸ In both attitude and action this is so basic and important that we really need to make sure we don't miss out on doing it in the worldly rush of busy lives. However shy, reserved or lacking in confidence we may be, standing off and apart is simply really not an option.

It is perhaps helpful to contrast all this with its opposite extreme, which also provides a powerful sense of belonging. Teenage gang culture fosters a sense of inclusion and belonging, with the excitement of being countercultural or at least antisocial, but which deceives in its implicit offer to be able to act with impunity and escape adverse consequences.

1.2 Discussion questions:
What are main respects in which you are actively encouraging, affirming and supporting others?
How does your prayer routine reflect this?
Have there been times when your being subject to a fellow Christian (Eph 5:21) has been a challenge?
Do you feel safe in expressing your thoughts and feelings to other Christians?
Are you helping to develop a strong and wholesome sense of belonging to and with other Christians?

1.3 Specific support relationships

While all relationships within Christian fellowship involve a real measure of accountability, with a very few who are committed prayer partners there can be a specific accountability relationship or partnership if we are serious about making our behaviour conform to our role as disciples of Christ. In this we open ourselves very fully, acknowledging our specific concerns and weaknesses, confessing our lapses and being open (or even interrogated) regarding our points of weakness and vulnerability. This may be in one or two close one-to-one friendships, or in a small group of three or four, on a same-sex basis⁹. It can be a powerful aid to self discipline and encouragement to godly behaviour, in the context of brutal honesty enabled by loving trust and undergirded by committed prayer. Some complementarity of strengths and weaknesses is a good idea. But to work well it needs to be thoroughly mutual at the level of personal feeling and interaction.

Such an accountability partnership does require a good deal of trust, and reciprocally a persistence and relentless interest in the other person. It involves a proactive love which will ruthlessly cut through any denial and cover-up when things are wrong or seem to be heading off the rails.¹⁰ A partner must be willing to risk upsetting and insulting a brother. In exploring possibilities maybe ask: do I trust you enough to be comfortable that you know the worst about me, am I willing to be vulnerable in exposing my flaws? and do you love me enough to be really ruthless, as well as persistently prayerful and encouraging? It must be a strong enough love to risk the friendship at times. Christians, like everyone, sometimes have an unfortunate capacity for self-deception.

Such accountability relationships are also a good antidote to pride because one needs to be so open and frank. Humility is very much about being honest to ourselves and others regarding our weaknesses, and in respect to others, thus being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a pathway to intimacy, so the relationships cultivate an appropriate kind of intimacy in mutual support. When one partner presses questions to another, this is not intrusive curiosity nor is it particularly implying doubt about the partner's godly intentions or self-discipline in pursuing them. But it is guarding the partner since he or she knows that those intrusive questions are part of the deal and will always come. They cannot be ducked. If necessary, confession and getting it off one's chest ¹¹ will be a relief, along with the reminder that the mor important confession to the Lord himself and repentance mean forgiveness and putting the sin behind once and for all. The accountability partner(s) share the sorrow, encourage the repentance and then provide loving encouragement, prayer support and strength in going forward with clear assurance of forgiveness and renewed resolve. It can counter the cycle of good intentions - failure - guilt. This is properly reciprocal. We need to be alert to the tendency of sharp and helpful accountability partnerships becoming merely comfortable and degenerating into a "warm fuzzies talking shop as one friend put it.

In a spiritual warfare perspective, accountability relationships centred on prayer mean that we fight for one another as well as encouraging, we acknowledge that we all have similar battles and that if Satan takes on one he takes on much more! But giving ourselves to others in this kind of way is very countercultural for men.

In practice, and especially over time, accountability partnerships, prayer partnerships and mentoring can merge into one another. For example, some elements of accountability partnership are likely in a mentor relationship, and prayer support for one another is basic to any close relationship. None are necessarily long-term, though some prayer commitments tend to be. Accountability partnerships tend to change with our active circle of friends who are available to spend time with.

Dependency & trust. Philip Yancey¹² comments that he learned a vital lesson with respect to fellowship from a Christian in Alcoholics Anonymous. This Christian pointed out that all church fellowship he had encountered was shallow and merely emotional, whereas in AA one learned real dependency on others, with openness of confession and trust which was reciprocal. This contrasts with individualism which approaches fellowship from the standpoint of it (and other people) meeting my needs as if on a shopping trip - pious, optional and disengaged. Christian fellowship particularly and close friendships generally can be an effective voice of conscience in our lives.

However, in a fellowship context, narrowing the field unduly can lead to an unhealthy emotional dependency on one or two others, which becomes too emotionally intense. Balance and intelligent sensitivity is needed - real love is neither total individualism nor total co-dependency. Some fellowship gets very personal, with a lot of openness which can verge on being invasive, so each must be sensitive to what the other finds comfortable and helpful, not imposing his or her own agenda for personal satisfaction.

Prayer partnership - in the sense of mutual commitment to pray for one another and provide updates to enable this - is a healthy dependency. It is not contingent on being geographically close or synchronizing diaries in order to meet, but is an important means of mutual support and fellowship, as we bear one another's burdens and share one another's journey. A full-on prayer partnership is likely to involve commitment to pray daily for one another on a few key points, but most of us have a wider circle of lesser commitments in prayer, which may be reciprocal. If we ever feel we are too busy to pray properly, then a rearrangement of priorities is urgent. Prayer connection can be as important as social connection - hanging out together - and both together mean a lot.

Mentoring is an important and richly-rewarding form of fellowship, where an older or more experienced and mature Christian takes another under his or her wing. This builds on a friendship where the younger party invites the older to be proactive in challenging, caring, encouraging and praying. It can in addition be focused on particular issues where advice and guidance based on experience is sought. It may be for a year or several. The scope in extent and time horizon needs to be worked out in each case to meet the needs and desires of the mentoree. The scope of mentor relationships can be wide, or focused on vocational, study, or personal issues. The mentor's basic task is prayer and encouragement, and he or she needs to be fairly open to candidly sharing life experiences. St Paul's personal ministry to and support of Timothy is a good biblical model - albeit more of a full apprenticeship in ministry than most mentoring involves. All the attributes of fellowship mentioned above seem to be there, in the context of strong prayer commitment.

Mentoring involves at least prayer and communication, usually with proactive comment. It requires significant focus and commitment to encourage and serve over some time, coupled with an occasional reality check. It is likely to involve modelling relevant ministry, leadership, or other principles. It requires much more listening than suggesting, and will aim to cultivate a measure of thoughtful independence, rather than any dependence. It involves taking responsibility for the younger person, though the scope of that responsibility will vary from simply spending a bit of time and praying for them to investing a lot of time and perhaps financial support as required, as part of stewardship. It presupposes that the mentoree attends to the basic spiritual disciplines of bible reading and prayer to keep in touch with God's Holy Spirit themselves.

Mentoring is an invaluable investment in the next generation of disciples and leaders, and in the church should be honoured as such. Mentors may also be significant in linking protégés with important resources (including financial) and networks. Often the most significant difference between Christians who grow strongly and those who don't is the involvement of a mentor.

A mentor prayer might be: to love him/her as you do, to serve him/her as your servant, and to encourage him/her as an agent of your Holy Spirit.

Leadership by Christians requires that we approach the task as servants, in the way outlined earlier. Humility in leadership and in fellowship generally is related to love, a focus on others not ourselves, and the cultivation of growth in those led. The stark contrast here is ego-driven leadership which is motivated by status and power. But pride in leadership is normally more subtle and hence debilitating without our realizing it. A leader in ministry needs to be able both to learn from their shortcomings and failures and to acknowledge them so that others develop a healthy appreciation of what is involved in leadership by fallible but faithful people. Especially in youth leadership a measure of hero worship can develop (the contrast with uncool parents helps that!) and this can mean that young people don't feel confident in exposing their own problems and weaknesses. Youth leaders should to some extent be vulnerable before the youth, acknowledging that they are struggling human beings who grapple with their own issues. This is not to diminish the importance of leaders being role models and setting a godly example, it is simply keeping it real and countering pride.

In addition to more intimate fellowship, there is also a place for task-oriented fellowship, which is shallower as a personal relationship but substantial in engaging particular issues, academic dissertation, or other shared interests, ministry and vision. In task-oriented fellowship a central consideration is the interdependence of gifts, abilities and character and the way they are used so as to be complementary. The common tasks where this flourishes are especially those involving Christian service and ministry. Incidentally such fellowship provides an important opportunity in developing romantic relationships,

Sometimes such fellowship may be where there has simply not been time or opportunity to get close, or where the chemistry is different. But a more intellectual kind of fellowship certainly has its place and can be strongly encouraging and effective at serving, without engaging the emotions as much. It is a classic kind of male fellowship, non-demonstrative but side by side in common tasks. However it is certainly not confined to males.

Writing about one of the most significant eras in British political history, in Saints in Politics, E.M.Howse describes the largely Christian fellowship context of the monumental achievements of the period around 1800 and how the energy and commitment nurtured there led to the abolition of slavery and the very expensive emancipation of those enslaved¹³. The group of Clapham friends led by Wilberforce became knit together around common evangelically-based values: "in an astonishing intimacy and solidarity, they planned and laboured like a committee that never was dissolved. At the Clapham mansions they congregated by common impulse in what they chose to call their 'Cabinet Councils' wherein they discussed the wrongs and injustices which were the reproach to their country, and the battles which would need to be fought to establish righteousness. And thereafter, in Parliament and out, they moved as one body, delegating to each man the work he could do best, that their common principles might be maintained and their common purposes be realised. In private intercourse they lived and acted almost as if they all belonged to an inner circle of one large family"¹⁴ . Not often is Christian fellowship central on the political stage, or at least empowering what goes on there in a major country, but there is room for it to be so. We should also note that Wilberforce was one of a number of Christian leaders closely mentored by John Newton, the great evangelical preacher and former slave trader

The Clapham influence didn't stop there, but was pervasive in commercial life. "If one asks how 19th century English merchants earned a reputation of being the most honest in the world (a very real factor in the primacy of English trade), the answer is because hell and heaven seemed as real to them as tomorrow's sunrise, and the last judgment as real as the week's balance sheet," according to historian Sir Robert Ensor, commenting on the social influence of evangelicalism in the period 1870-86.^14a

1.3 Discussion questions:
Do you have an accountability partner (or two)?
How do you balance the tough love which may tend to be intrusive with letting him/her do their own thing?
Are you always fully honest with your accountability partner?
What have been the highlights of your accountability relationship(s) and associated prayer?
What has been your experience of mentoring?
What experience are you gaining in leadership? What lessons from this?
Do you have experience of task-oriented fellowship?
Does this help you in developing a supportive style of working with non-Christians?

1.4 Close friendships

For most of us a real need and desire is intimacy with others, notably close friends, as an expression of love. Loneliness is an unattractive alternative, though individuals differ in what they seek emotionally.

In our modern culture intimacy is sometimes hard to achieve, except with sex, and outside of marriage^14b that kind of intimacy is likely to be transient and meaningless, no more than physical. Often a hunger for intimacy tends to be channelled into sexual gratification, and in that regard the intimacy is simply illusory. The casual sex encounter does not involve the sort of intimacy which satisfies the soul.^14c

Outside of marriage (for single as well as married people), there can be very meaningful intimacy which is non-sexual, with close friends regardless of gender. It is driven by the heart, not the hormones. It takes time and hanging out together to build the rapport involved - there is no proper intimacy that is instant or short-term. It involves sharing our life with others, and a sense of security and corresponding confidentiality. It lacks the emotional intensity of romantic relationships. But because our culture is so sexualised, in practice, non-sexual intimacy is often easiest to find with same-sex friends.

To sustain intimacy requires some emotional maturity and self-awareness. It also develops those qualities, by practising sensitivity and tuning in to others, experiencing a bit of give and take. There is real joy in cultivating friendships with individuals who are trustworthy and reliable. These are built on truth and honesty, with gentleness and love.

For these reasons, close friendships without emotional intensity are incidentally good preparation for romantic relationships leading to marriage. While a lot of hormonal charge properly gives those an intensity absent from the close friendship kind of intimacy, the relationship-building attributes are similar, as is the need for shared values and a similarly-tuned moral compass. Allowing yourself to be progressively open, trusting and vulnerable in a non-sexual relationship is both training and confidence-building in relation to eventual marriage.

What form does this intimacy take and how is it achieved?

Time and talk - sharing and trusting, in love - are basic. In other words, deep friendship in varying degrees. Openness and vulnerability come into it, with the concomitant possibility of hurt. (The closer we come to someone, the greater the potential for pain as well as joy.) Commitment in prayer supports it. Bitterness and pain can hinder it by stopping us reaching out to others.

John Wyatt, quoted in the introduction to this chapter, put it well. He spoke of "kinds of friendships which have been a wonderful experience of intimacy, of openness, of sharing and of mutual vulnerability. That kind of friendship has to be nurtured and is a precious thing." He encourages junior doctors and medical students to form them as a lifetime "foundation and resource", which of course they can be - and arguably need to be - for all of us.

Such close friendships may or may not have any physical expression, depending on cultural conditioning.^14d

It is worth reflecting on how much the sexualisation of our culture deprives us in this area, compared with what a Christian focus can achieve by infusing all aspects of life with God's values centred on Christ. Elevating sex to be an autonomous goal means other relationships tend to become depauperate, and all aspects of life are infused with it and subtly warped. But sex in the context of God's design and purpose is more than that (cf chapter 2) and it complements rather than diminishes other relationships, especially the intimacy discussed here.

1.4 Discussion Questions
What are the shared values that you most enjoy expressing in friendships?
What have been your frustrations in seeking non-sexual intimacy?
To what extent do you find yourself drawn to sex to achieve some sense of intimacy?
Is the idea of openness and vulnerability in a relationship too daunting?
How active are you in nurturing the close relationships referred to by Prof Wyatt?

1.5 Some ups and downs in new family relationships

As disciples of Christ, we need to inhabit a culture of praise and thanksgiving. This is a challenge to the qualitative aspects of our fellowship. It will point us in a diametrically opposite direction to much of the temptation which assails us in life, and much of the preoccupation with individual rights. "Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving." Instead of the fellowship of drunkenness, we need to be filled with song, with thanksgiving and a willingness to submit to one another and take responsibility.¹⁵

But sometimes it can feel like we are just 'going through the motions' in this and glorification of God seems a bit thin and repetitive. If so, we need to address just what it is that is leading us to feel as though what we are doing is a bit purposeless. Is it perhaps because at church we simply sing the words, or because we praise God in the same way each week? Maybe this can be an opportunity to try a different way to praise God in many parts of our week by simply following his promptings as we praise. This may lead us to worship in a new and exciting way in which we have not praised our maker before. More broadly we should see praise, worship and thanksgiving as something which we make our lifestyle, not just something switched on for special occasions.¹⁵

Simply being in Christian fellowship does not give us immunity to glitches in relationships due to pride, selfishness, thoughtlessness, gossip, and more. But it should enable us more readily to apologise, seek and bestow forgiveness, and achieve reconciliation - though these actions should not be confined to our Christian circle of fellowship. We should not let a disagreement or misunderstanding fester, but should address it as soon as possible and restore the relationship. Gossip can be deadly in a church context - avoid it absolutely.

Fellowship involves communication. Failure to respond to personally-addressed messages, e-mails, etc is effectively a renunciation of that fellowship. It can be as offensive as meeting a friend in the street and deliberately ignoring their greeting. Of course the response may be just a very short acknowledgment if there is not time and inclination for something longer and thoughtful, but total silence is far from golden. We all have limited time, but priorities must be applied here as elsewhere and for the Christian, people stuff should normally rank ahead of much else. And having almost unlimited time for verbal communication but ignoring e-mails doesn't make sense.

It is easy to forgive when someone wrongs us, realises it and asks for our forgiveness. It is much harder when they cannot or will not perceive any wrong or offence. Or when we feel that justice is avoided by our proffering forgiveness. Or when we feel that to be forgiving is to be weak. The reality though is that failure to forgive sows bitterness in us, and leaves the offending party unaffected. Forgiveness is not the same as indifference or tolerance - it is active, and it needs to be practiced in any fellowship context in response to sin, offence, or simply difference. In many respects it is a barometer of godliness. Occasionally, however, when an offence is particularly grievous, forgiveness can take time to develop, as we come to terms with what someone has done and its impact on us. Reciprocally, apology is a great boost to humility. If within Christian fellowship we cannot model forgiveness and reconciliation, we will find it much harder to achieve both in the world outside. Forgiveness cleans the slate, enabling us to forget about offences and to move on. (Past things may be recalled as a matter of fact, but not of significance, if they have been dealt with.)

Another aspect of our links with other Christians in fellowship is that we need to be prepared to take up issues and even admonish those close to us, perhaps to the extent of curtailing their full participation in corporate expressions of fellowship if their behaviour demands it. As in any family, unconditional love does not issue in unlimited tolerance, though we need to be consistent and not simply focus on high-profile sins. And while one looks for opportunity to praise publicly, criticism must always be in private. We are accountable for engaging others in God's family, not always simply standing back¹⁶.

Although we need always to be looking out for our brethren¹⁷ we also need to be careful that we are not judging their sins in the sense of condemning them and withdrawing from personal fellowship with them, effectively writing them off. There is only one judge and it is important that we each live our lives secure in that knowledge. Reciprocally it means that we need to be open when people whom we respect and who are brethren with our best interests in mind approach us graciously to take up issues with us. They may proffer constructive suggestions, but without condemning us.

Similarly if each of us cannot go to someone to raise something without a spirit of condemnation, then we should be leaving it to someone else to approach them rather than doing it ourselves. Christians are often all too quick to judge one another, forgetting that to God a lie is just as much a sin as murder, and both separate us from God. To God we are all sinners and not worthy of his friendship other than through Christ having taken our sin upon himself. We need to be careful that we are not looking at other people and suggesting that their sinning ways are worse then our sinning ways.

In British and Australian cultures, but often not in US, a deliberate gentle rudeness is a delightful kind of "love language" (cf 3.3) which implies an affection that outweighs the alleged or indicated deficiencies in the other.

What about homophile friends? If a friend of the same sex has a crush on you, and they make this known, you need to talk about it without being spooked by it.^17a There is no problem in a friendship if one party has a stronger affection than the other, unless it results in uncontrolled behaviour such as excessive phone calls, texts, e-mails etc. In a homophile situation it may even be expressed in a sexual proposition and/or stalking. It needs to be made very plain that any such approaches and behaviours are unacceptable and must stop. Completely. If they don't, the friendship is unsustainable. However, before cutting the person off, try hard to help them manage their affections and come to grips with their situation in a proper way. Their needs are acute. If they are Christians, see Appendix 3. If they are not, then tell them that God's power is available to them, not (probably) to change their sexual orientation, but to manage it. The mediation of a third party may be required. (If they are determined to express their homosexuality and it clearly cannot be with you, then they will no doubt wish to find other relationships where there is more potential.)

Christian fellowship is not purely inward-oriented, but has important implications for witness, drawing others in. If we display relationships with evident values, and if we have real contact outside (i.e. not being a closed ghetto), then there is much scope for the quality of fellowship being attractive as people see lives of holiness and love. "As I have loved you, so you must love one another. All men will know you are my disciples if you love one another." (John 13:34-35) One could say correspondingly that fellowship which makes us into little more than a congenial ghetto, rather than strengthening and encouraging our engagement with others, is seriously deficient and needs addressing. A good test of any close Christian fellowship relationship is whether, instead of tending to be exclusive, it makes both parties more actively loving and outreaching to others.

Finally, let's emphasise that we each need to be proactive and intentional in fellowship, and not simply assume that the good things outlined here are what will somehow just happen to us. Especially we need to be proactive when we move to a new place, so that we establish significant Christian relationships there as soon as possible, not being deterred by any perceived cliquishness. New relationships are vital as we go forward, even though this often means allowing some old ones to diminish.

In summary, we need to attend to a few things in order to enjoy our family life in Christ: Are we really serving others? Are we praying with and for other individuals? Are we finding ways to encourage and help others? Do we draw strength and encouragement from one or two others? Are we available and open to others? Is the fellowship in the church such that singles are not made to feel second-class? We need to work hard at love!

1.5 Discussion questions:
Have you been able to make praise and thanksgiving central to your life? To your fellowship?
Are you reliable in communicating and responding to communications?
What have been the main challenges you have faced in forgiving others? In taking up issues with others?
How do you think your non-Christian friends perceive your Christian family relationships? Is John 13:34-35 true for you?
Are there other issues raised in the last paragraph above?

1.6 Sharing and maintaining values

As well as sharing new family relationships in Christ we progressively come to share new values. These have implications for our behaviour and lifestyle in discipleship. They can make us quite countercultural.

As prosperity increases, much of our western society is becoming consumerist - with values related to what we buy, and hedonist, with values related to how we please ourselves. The consumerism is countered to some extent by increasing environmental awareness, but waste in both carelessness and extravagance is still widespread. The hedonism has two dimensions: orientation of the pleasure-seeking or gratification and its timing. Not only is it seeking pleasure or self gratification rather than service and expressing love for others, it seeks it now - not significantly delayed, as is often a corollary of the Christian approach to life.

In any case, the question of people's values and how they are derived and expressed is a major issue driving both economics and politics. Christians can easily just go along with the mob, rather than being radical in deriving their values from their roots of faith, and reinforcing one another in sharing those. Jesus' words about not being preoccupied with material things, and certainly not letting our attachment to them divert our discipleship, remain true. More than that, they are perhaps more important to heed today than ever before.

That is not to say that there will be a uniform kind of Christian lifestyle, because cultural differences which are not derived from hedonism or consumerism are properly influential. God calls people initially in particular cultural settings even within western society, and he may or may not then call people from those into something else. Each of us needs to establish a lifestyle which is appropriate to our cultural setting and Christian values and faithful to other principles which are elaborated more fully in later chapters.

We do need to be disciplined in pursuing that lifestyle and those values - there is much New Testament exhortation in that regard. Discipline and discipleship go together!

The primary area of discipline is in keeping us connected with the source of our shared values, hence regular and intentional personal bible study. We easily underestimate the potential for drifting away from the perspective on reality that daily bible study gives us, however cursory or inadequate we may sometimes feel it is. Paying attention to God's word gives us confidence to persevere rather than drift. If we do drift from those values and change towards a perspective more aligned with the surrounding culture, we no longer have the basis of fellowship in any very meaningful sense. Development of a Christian mind is explored in a later chapter.

If we simply pursue the latest fads in our surrounding culture we inevitably end up embracing the trivial at the expense of the enduring values we espouse, and find ourselves at odds with the psalmist who prayed "Turn my eyes away from worthless things, renew my life according to your word."^17b There does need to be a deliberate rejection of what is of low or negative value and a disciplined pursuit of what is congruent with our new family relationships.

An aspect of fellowship is understanding and supporting one another in personal adversity and suffering. Such experiences do form Christian character not only in the one enduring them but also in those supporting. The Old Testament account of Job and his mates is instructive. While Job hung on to faith doggedly, his friends proffered only orthodox platitudes - generally true but inappropriate. When Job expressed his anger with God, his friends thought this was over the top. But God ended up commending Job and rebuking those who failed to tune in to him properly. Many of us experience prolonged pain or frustration and ask for God to fix things up according to our view of what is needed. Our brothers and sisters in Christ need to be involved with us in such times, even if understanding of the experience is elusive.

In respect to consumerism, we need to reject the notion that how much we earn dictates how much we spend. Certainly it should sensibly be seen as putting a cap on it, but there is no reason to live extravagantly simply or chiefly because we may earn a lot. There are cost-effective ways of achieving many things such as being adequately fed, housed and clothed. But with all that there is also often a time-cost trade off. There is no virtue in living in such a way that one's work and ministry is compromised by penny pinching. We don't expect churches to work like that, and when one is in receipt of a good income it is silly to do so oneself.

We can spend a lot or a little on leisure and recreation, but what actually achieves the sort of recreation we need, and can share with other Christians - having the same values but maybe different incomes, and with non Christians with whom we seek to identify - having different values but similar incomes? For the Christian, the stewardship budget will properly constrain things in this area too - see later chapter.

We need to encourage and challenge one another on how our fellowship is expressed in our values and disciplined discipleship and lifestyle.

1.6 Discussion questions:
What would you say are the new values you have acquired since becoming a Christian?
What are the main challenges to you from material and worldly values?
How do you organise your personal devotional bible study? And prayer routine?
Do you sometimes get angry with God? How do you express this, and what is the outcome?